Hey Caboose, have you seen my grenade?
Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait- (explodes)
4th Of July Safety Tips
For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.
Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?
Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?
Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.
(Donut gets blasted by Caboose):
I forgoooot!
Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)
Oopsie.
Uh-oh.
Running time!
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?
(Church explodes):
CABOOSE!!!
Simmons did it!
What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!
Happy fireworks day everybody!
Winter Lames
There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.
Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.
No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.
Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?
Replace the big rocks with grenades.
Figure skating?
Landmines.
Downhill skiing?
Laser gates.
Speed skating?
Everyone gets a bayonet.
Snowboarding?
Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.
Ok, well, what about the luge?
Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!
GGrif
Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!
(after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.
I also think we should give medals out to the losers.
You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?
Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.
Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.
Lethargy Crisis
Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities just to afford to drive to work.
Not me. I just quit going to work.
Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.
All the dinosaurs are already dead.
It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.
But that process takes millions of years.
I've got time.
GGrif
(In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!
Gentlemen, we can debate the fine points all day, but the fact remains that a gallon of gas still costs less today than a gallon of milk.
Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.
Maybe you don't.
Most people have a insatiable thirst for gas I know I do.
Me too! I drank 2 gallons this morning.
Caboose! I didn't mean it literally.
My tummy feels a little weird.(makes a burp noise whilst flames shoot out of his mouth)
You know, that would be alot of fun at parties.
I'm just glad it came out of his mouth.
Yes sir.(tries to turn on warthog but stalls)
Hey, anyone got any gas?
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