Alan Davies quotes from QI

Alan Davies

Friend of ours had a baby in Thailand. English couple. And the Thai woman said to her: "If you look lovely when you pregnant, you will have girl. If you look tired and ugly, dress badly, you will have boy." And she said: "What do you think I'm gonna have?" "Boy."

Stephen Fry

[laughing] Outrageous!

Alan Davies

And she did!

Stephen Fry

What happens in Germany at 11:11 on the 11th of November every year?

Alan Davies

[completely deadpan] Everything carries on as normal.

Stephen Fry

'Heightism' does exist. Short people are paid less on average than tall people. The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender.

Alan Davies

They should rise up.

Stephen Fry

Yeah… Hey!

Stephen Fry

Name and shame the worlds cheapest cheapskate.

[rings in] Was it Diogenes the Cynic?

Stephen Fry

…Wow.

Jimmy Carr

You've seen this show before, haven't you? I think I'm slightly aroused.

Alan Davies

I can confirm 'slightly'.

Stephen Fry

Now, what would you call someone who never laughs?

Alan Davies

[points towards the audience] That bloke.

Stephen Fry

[laughing] You're right. He hasn't cracked a smile the whole evening.

Alan Davies

He might be dead. Nudge him.

Jack Dee

I was a goth for a while.

Stephen Fry

Were you?

Jack Dee

I was asked to leave, 'cos I was just too miserable.

Sue Perkins

You were bringing them down.

Alan Davies

I was an emu for a while.

Sue Perkins

When did the hand come out?

Jack Dee

What’s the difference between an emo and a goth? I missed that.

Alan Davies

One’s a flightless bird. The other one’s a horny headed vandal.

Stephen Fry

Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you're now a zombie, you bite Jack. Jack, Jack bites Mel, and so on.

Alan Davies

[pointing at Sue Perkins, who's rolling her eyes] Sue.

Stephen Fry

What?

Alan Davies

Sue!

Stephen Fry

[Realizes what he has said, buries his face in his hands]

Jimmy Carr

Stephen, ten points now if you know her name.

Sue Perkins

Is this the warm, personal touch that you get when you come to this show?

Stephen Fry

[bright red] I'm so ashamed! Oh Sue, I'm sorry.

Alan Davies

No-one noticed, Hugh.

Jimmy Carr

I think it's a trick question. Because you're a vegetarian. You wouldn't bite me, I don't think. You'd have a salad.

Alan Davies

I wouldn't consume you, but I would be prepared to kill you. Turn you into one of me.

Jimmy Carr

What, we'll all live in windmills and solve crime?

Alan Davies

I look like the character.

Stephen Fry

You do, actually.

Alan Davies

I'm not actually...

Jimmy Carr

Their defence is to dazzle? Tada!

Sue Perkins

It’s the John Barrowman of the deep sea...

Alan Davies

Stand back or I’ll show you my teeth!

Stephen Fry

Where does the saying 'saved by the bell' come from?

Jack Dee

[hits his buzzer, then grimaces] Oh no, I know what's gonna happen now. It's gonna be, I'm gonna get the klaxon for this. Is it boxing? Is it a boxing reference?

Stephen Fry

Yes!

Jack Dee

Oh.

Alan Davies

Is it - is this where the bells gonna go off…

Sue Perkins

[whispering] Don't do it!

Alan Davies

...Is it going back to being buried alive?

Jimmy Carr

How can you get it wrong after he's got it right?

Alan Davies

People definitely did that in pubs when I was growing up.

Stephen Fry

They threw up in order to drink more?

Alan Davies

Yeah. Go outside, be sick on the pavement, shake their heads, go straight back to the bar.

Phill Jupitus

Oh yeah, the tactical chunder. Totally.

Alan Davies

Yeah. "I feel terrible. I'm gonna have to go and have a tactical chunder." Come back five minutes later: "I'm fine now!"

Stephen Fry

Hmm. Makes sense.

Alan Davies

Makes sense. Four quids worth of bitter in the gutter and carry on.

Stephen Fry

We should do this the Athenian way. We should offer Alan the chance - because I can say that Alan is coming last…

Alan Davies

It's one of my best features.

Jeremy Clarkson

How do you get wheat to mate?

Stephen Fry

Pollination.

Jeremy Clarkson

Yes, well, how does that happen?

Bill Bailey

You turn down the lights…

Alan Davies

Ask the barley to leave the room...

Stephen Fry

Now, don't play with it. They did ask that no-one else touches it.

Alan Davies

[defiantly] Oh?

Stephen Fry

It's very valuable.

Alan Davies

I was gonna make it go over the desk! [gives in and crawls back to his chair] I can't believe I'm not allowed to play with it.

Stephen Fry

I'm afraid I was given specific 'Alan not to touch' instructions.

Ross Noble

I love the fact that somewhere there's a memo that just says: "Machine gun - for Stephen Fry's use only".

Ross Noble

A circular triangle?

Stephen Fry

Well...

Oh, no, no, no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time. “It’s a sort of circular triangle.”

Alan Davies

“And it makes a square.”

Ross Noble

It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that, it’s the fact that I now realise there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.