Carlton Lassiter quotes from Psych

Lassiter

First question. What is your name?

Shawn

There is a murderer on the loose.

Lassiter

That is not your name.

Shawn

[pointing to Lassiter's gun in the fish tank] Uh oh!

Lassiter

My baby!! It's missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight.

Does someone want to explain to me what happened last night?

Lassiter

Okay, I just want to go on record and say I was on that couch first.

I don't even know what that was supposed to mean.

Shawn

Come on, let's hug it out.

Lassiter

I would rather learn to play the harp.

Lassiter

I have slowly, methodically, been building up a tolerance to chloroform over the last fifteen years.

Shawn

Dear God, why?

Lassiter

For a night like this, Spencer.

Gus

I don't believe it. It must have been some other kind of chemical.

Juliet

Oh, great. Now we have to carry two guys out of here!

Shawn

Besides, the Doc said I could take these [mittens] off an hour ago.

Juliet

Then why are you still wearing them?

Shawn

The inner lining is so soft. I think it's Alpaca. Maybe baby muskrat. You gotta check this out.

Gus

I don't want to, Shawn.

Shawn

You're gonna be sorry.

Gus

Fine. Wow, they are supple. Try it, Lassie.

Lassiter

Enough with the stupid mittens! They are quite soft...

Shawn

Guys, I am getting some very strong psychic vibrations that we need to at least consider the possibility that Bernie is legitimately insane.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

[shakes his head]

Juliet

Are you sensing something else?

Shawn

No, no, just some water stuck in my ear from this morning's free swim.

Lassiter

[about a fleeing Eli] Should I shoot him in the leg?

Shawn

Nah. Dot's got mad wheels. [Dot grabs Eli by the neck and tackles him to the ground. Milosh then runs up and begins to hit Eli with his shoe. Shawn and Lassiter wince.]

Gus

Is that her second slab?

Lassiter

I have never seen a woman eat ribs like that in my life except in caveman drawings.

Gus

Chelsea, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai to kill my best friend in the world.

Lassiter

And I need to help him bury the body.

Juliet

Is there anything I can get you?

Lassiter

[pause] I wouldn't say no to a Sloppy Joe.

Lassiter

How many "get out of jail free" cards does a guy get?

Shawn

Two, duh. One in Chance, one in Community Chest.

Juliet

I don't take it personally that Shawn took on Thane's case. Even though I'm fairly certain that he is guilty.

Shawn

And I don't take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn't be "wronger".

Lassiter

[smiles] You two are so breaking up over this. And Spencer, remember, all convicts say they're innocent or they're framed or stop choking me. But at the end of the day, Thane Woodson is guilty of something.

Shawn

Not according to the Innocence Project.

Lassiter

Which is why they're high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICAF and Lance Bass. [Juliet and Shawn look at him] Don't ask.

Lassiter

So when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I met the perfect person.

Juliet

That means that person is in prison... and is a woman.

Lassiter

Which one of those is the problem?

Gus

Come on. Hug it out. Hug it out.

Lassiter

I would rather spend all day at the mall with McNab.