Gus quotes from Psych

Gus

I think I have a bruise from all that CPR... can you see it?

Shawn

All I see is chocolate with hair on it.

Shawn

Guys, please. Can we come up a term that covers both a killer AND an arsonist? How about "arsassin"?

Lassiter

I want our killer--

Shawn

Arsassin! Or karsonist?

Gus

Arsassin.

Shawn

We have found our arsonurderer.

Gus

What?

Shawn

Firearsman.

Gus

Uh-uh.

Shawn

Señor pantalones del fuego?

Lassiter

This could be our killer.

Shawn

Furderer.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

Fire murderer...furderer.

Shawn

How do I look?

Gus

Like an idiot.

Shawn

Sweet.

Gus

You know what they do on those massage tables? They massage men. Big, hairy, men. Let me be very clear: these hands are not touching anybody. I only use these hands to touch myself. ...Let me rephrase that.

Shawn

Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.

Shawn

Does this ring a bell? "No, Shawn, I have not had any naughty dreams about you." And, "Yes, Shawn, I do wish Gus was never born so that I could be your partner."

Gus

What?

Shawn

True story.

Gus

That's messed up.

Juliet

I never said that, Gus.

The night before I went to this restaurant to get a basket of these things called "fries quatro quesos dos fritos"; you know, the ones where they inject potatoes with a four-cheese mixture, fry them three quarters of the way, pull them out, batter them, fry them again, and then serve them with bacon and a nacho chili sour cream? Anyway, as I was sitting there, a car speeds right through the storefront across the street. It makes such a loud noise I had to turn my head and look and that is when I overheard the guys with the curlicues on his face tell the other guy in the corner table about the assassination plot.

Shawn

Can that be true?

Gus

No way.

Shawn

I mean, is that even possible?

Gus

I couldn't imagine it!

Shawn

There's no way they could prepare a fry like that; that'd be way too much for the... for the human palate to manage!

Gus

It would be a flavor seizure.

Gentlemen, please, don't be ridiculous.

Shawn

The Chief's right; let's just, just take a minute here to think this through. [pauses] They must be parboiling the potato first.

Gus

Is this about pride?

Shawn

I got these jeans at a garage, not a garage sale, a garage. Clearly pride is not an issue for me.

I don't know if it's enough, but I did overhear a time a place and a name.

Gus

Come again.

I know who, what and where.

Shawn

Ryan, that…that's everything we need to know. That's all of it. Why didn't you just say that in the first place?

Because no one would let me.

Shawn

That's true, Gus, that's very true.

Gus

Yeah, I got that, Shawn. Just go ahead Ryan.

The time was 10:00.

Shawn

10:00.

To 4:30.

Shawn

10:00 to 4:30.

Yeah.

Gus

A six hour window? What do your killers work at the cable company?

Shawn

It's okay. What's the place?

420…420 something. I didn't get a street name or an apartment number, but the address definitely has a 420 in it.

Shawn

Hmm.

But the name I have.

Shawn

Perfect, what is it?

Tom.

Shawn

Tom?

Gus

You wouldn't happen to have a last name, would you?

Come on, guys! I can't do everything for you.

Juliet

Are you all right?

Shawn

Yeah, of course I am, why?

Juliet

Well we got the message that you were at the hospital. Something about life and death.

Shawn

Oh, right, that. Well, we are in a hospital and, as it happens, it's filled with both life and death.

Gus

I knew I should have left that message.

Gus

Where's Leiber?

Juliet

Gone. Looks like he's on the lam.

Shawn

If he's on a lamb, he won't get far. Alpaca, different story. Those things really fly.

Gus

You still have your shoes and socks on! Do you even know how this game works?

Shawn

Oh!

Juliet

Wow.

Shawn

Boy, Billy, I will give you everything in Gus' wallet if you put your pants back on.

Gus

Dude, please cover your junk.

Shawn

What's your point, man?

Gus

My point is you're going to be eighty years old and still shamelessly hitting on waitresses. Is that what you want?

Shawn

Is that a trick question?

Shawn

Here's the thing, Robert: I am a psychic.

Gus

We work for the Santa Barbara Police Department. We've solved over forty-seven cases. I'm also a pharmaceutical rep, if that means anything to you.

Shawn

You've seen The Mentalist, right?

Yes.

Shawn

It's like that.

Gus

Except that guy's a fake.

Shawn

Right. If I were a fake psychic, it would be eerily similar.

Gus

Exactly the same.

Shawn

A virtual carbon copy.

Shawn

[talking about the ATVs] Note to self: Get one of those for the office.

Gus

I hope you have a plan to help us find this crashed plane. And hope that plan doesn't end up with us being eaten by a bear.

Shawn

Don't worry, Gus. We have a secret weapon.

Gus

A larger bear-eating bear?

Shawn

BOOM!

Gus

A map! That's your secret weapon?

Shawn

No, no, Mr. Clayton! Open your eyes!

Gus

Watch out, Shawn! I know what to do. Mr. Clayton! Mr. Clayton! What interesting sectors do you see outperforming the market this year?