Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Gus

Wait a second, you're mad at me for not being mad?

Shawn

I'm shocked at you for not being shocked!

Shawn

Ken!

Ken

No way.

Shawn

Yes way... in a big way. Can I have your keys?

Ken

What?

Shawn

I just saw a guy get killed.

Ken

Where?

Shawn

In the murder room at the haunted house.

Ken

Isn't that what's suppose to happen?

Shawn

Real guy, real murder.

Ken

Did you tell anyone?

Shawn

We told Carol. But she was so busy texting with Bad Grammar Todd that she didn't care.

Gus

Will you let that go?

Shawn

"Bitchin'", Gus. "Bit-Chin". It's the only word I insist people get right. Otherwise, you're saying it's bichin which is chinese for "too much face". Isn't that right, Ken?

Ken

Seriously, dude. I already told you last time: six words. Now why don't you just go tell somebody else?

Shawn

We're telling you, Ken, and you wanna know why? Because it's high time we got the team back together, man. This is the type of big money case that will allow us to hire back our best Asian assistant ever. 3 Ninjas, Mega Mountain, reunited and it feels... so good.

Ken

I like that song.

Shawn

Are you in?

Ken

I'm out.

Gus

So am I.

Shawn

I didn't ask you.

Shawn

Okay, just go with me here for a second. I know this is gonna sound crazy but what I'm thinking is we don't go to opening night of Scare Fest. We go next week maybe sometime in the afternoon when its not crowded at all.

Gus

Are you kidding? I spent the entire week finishing my route early. I took a vacation day.

Shawn

Oh no, Gus, why would you do that?

Gus

You asked me to.

Shawn

When?

Gus

The day they announced that they having Scare Fest again.

Shawn

I don't recall that.

Gus

I have your speech as a video file on my Blackberry, Shawn.

Shawn

All right, okay, enough with all the technology. Look, the truth is it's my horoscope: it says I should avoid places with urinal troughs and I just don't feel I can take the risk right now. I'm sure you understand. [Gus sobs quietly]

Shawn

Are you crying?

Gus

I'm disappointed, Shawn.

Shawn

God. [Gus continues to sob]

When I heard two boys snuck onto a ride, I wasn't expecting this.

Shawn

Why, because he's black?

Gus

What are you doing?!

Shawn

I'm playing the race card.

Gus

Even if that was OK for you, you're playing it wrong.

Shawn

I doubled down.

Gus

That owl is made entirely out of cinnamon!

Shawn

Which means it is both wise and delicious.

Shawn

Oh Sheriff. Didn't expect to see you here.

I live here. What do you mean?

Shawn

Of course you do. You're Randy's father. Yes, wow. You guys have Bob Barker, Doc Gooden, and Randy Jackson, all living in the same inlet town with no cars, cell phones, or internet.

Gus

Shawn, we need to pitch this to Mark Burnett!

Shawn

We're not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys and eat pie.

Gus

Not necessarily in that order.

Shawn

And it hasn't been.

Gus

No.

Shawn

We started with the pie.

Gus

Always.

Shawn

Labradoodle!

Gus

Where?

Gus

[to Lassiter, after pulling him over] Have you been drinking, sir?

Lassiter

That's it!

Shawn

Sir, if you don't calm down I will be forced to tase you in the face.

Lassiter

You don't have a taser.

Vick

[to Shawn] And you... Okay, where is Mr. Guster?

Shawn

Chief, I'm afraid that what we may be dealing with is an, um, I.B.S. situation. I don't know if you've seen the commercials.

Vick

I've seen the commercials.

Shawn

Well, then you know it can be spotty--

Vick

[interrupting] Oh God, please, stop talking!

Juliet

[teaching the PIT maneuver] Mr. Spencer, a word.

Gus

I think you might be in trouble with the teacher.

Shawn

I sure hope so.

Shawn

You do realize this is the ending to True Romance?

Gus

That was a massacre, Shawn. Everybody died!

Shawn

That's not true. Christian Slater and Patty Arquette made it out alright.

And Michael Rappaport!

Shawn

Good point, Dickie. I forgot about that.

Shawn

Well, I'm tight with Chris, and [Gus] loves Dickie.

Gus

What?!?

Shawn

I'm just getting started, you giant cockroach. You know what? That was out of line. I apologize to cockroaches everywhere, especially Jiminy Cricket, although for the first time in thirty years, it occurs to me... he might be a cricket.

Gus

Of course he's a cricket.