Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Shawn

I don't lose things. I place things in locations which later elude me.

Gus

That's the same thing as losing it.

Shawn

Maybe to those without the nuance chromosome.

Henry

I saw the shooting on television, I been trying to call your cell phone. It keeps going to voicemail. I been worried to death.

Shawn

I... forgot to turn on my phone.

Henry

Gus, let me ask you something. What was the very first thing you did right after the shooting?

Gus

I called my folks to tell them I was okay.

Henry

And what's the first thing he did?

Gus

He ate a banana.

Henry

[to Shawn] You ate a banana?!

Shawn

I sure I did. You know why? Because it makes me think of you, because you're my big old papa monkey.

Shawn

I'm sorry, but was this chicken seasoned with molten lava?

Shawn

I can't see out of my left eye.

Gus

I see dead people.

Shawn

Even the water's spicy!

Gus

Who does that?!

Shawn

All right, I'm sorry, no offense, but it's stupid that you people eat food this hot.

Shawn

[aside to Abigail] I said "no offense", right?

Shawn

Gus, don't be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Marzipan.

Gus

It's Azkaban.

Shawn

I've heard it both ways.

Oh, he is not even hearing this, much less feelin' it!

Shawn

Gus, I think it's clear to the three of us that you're neither hearing it nor feeling it; what I can't discern is: are you mad at it?

Gus

How do you not have a black suit? What kind of grown man doesn't own a black suit?

Shawn

Besides me, the Joker, Colonel Sanders, Matthew McConaughey--

Gus

McConaughey doesn't count, he doesn't own a shirt.

Shawn

He doesn't need a shirt!

Gus

You know that's right.

Shawn

Jules.

Juliet

Sorry, Shawn, no time for your tomfoolery and silliness.

Shawn

Actually we were just...

Juliet

That also goes for nonsense, malarkey, and shenanigans.

Gus

Yeah, and Skip here has romantic dreams about firemen that look like Dolph Lundgren.

Shawn

[laughing] What?! I... you cheeky screwball. What I tell you? He's wacko.

Gus

No. You said it was late and you were in the fire house and you slid down this large pole...

Shawn

Why? Why?

Henry

How do you escape when you're locked in the trunk of a car?

Young Shawn

When? Don't you mean "if" as in like maybe never?

Henry

Not today, kid; your survival training starts right now. [throws Shawn into trunk of his car as their neighbor walks by and looks scandalized] It's okay, Mrs. Nusbaum, everything's fine; got the keys right here, just teaching Shawn a little survival technique, thank you. All right, Shawn. Here's what you want to do. You want to feel for the brake light. You feel it, it's right over here. You would kick it out. [Shawn kicks out the taillight] I didn't say to actually do it, I said you would do it.

Lassiter

[to Shawn] Nice shooting, Detective.

Shawn

Did you just call me detective?

Lassiter

No.

Lassiter

Have at it. Who knows, maybe you'll solve the great ice cream crime caper of the century?

Shawn

Crime of the century, huh? Still have 91 years to solve that one. Gus and I are gonna pace ourselves. We accept.

But know this: one stupid move, and I've got more than enough plastic bags for your body parts.

Shawn

Note to self: call Hefty with commercial idea.

Shawn

[seeing Gus and Juliet pulling up along side the truck he is held captive in on the highway] Look at you, buddy, you're just like Vin Diesel!

Gus

That makes Jules Michelle Rodriguez, and you Paul Walker!

Shawn

This is no good!

Gus

Don't worry, Shawn, you're gonna make it!

Shawn

No, I know I'll be fine. I just really don't wanna be Paul Walker, not even for a day.

Gus

You could be Lucas Black from Tokyo Drift, but then we wouldn't be in the movie with you!

Shawn

That's weird. I'll just be Walker.

Lassiter

[to Henry] Spencer, what the hell are you doing?

Shawn

Which Spencer are you talking to?

Lassiter

What does it matter? You're the same person!

Shawn

Am not!

Shawn

[holds up a weapon] What is this?

That is an anti-tank weapon, and you're pointing it at yourself.