Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Shawn

Mrs. Clayton, I'm receiving a psychic transmission from your husband. Really more of a voice mail. Status update. Perhaps a Twitter.

Gus

I believe it's called a tweet.

Shawn

I'm not saying that.

You believe in karma, don't you?

Shawn

Yes, but that's only because we are karma chameleons.

Gus

We come and go.

Gus

Shawn that is revisionist history and you know it.

Shawn

I guess you had to be there.

Gus

I was there.

It's OK, Gus. When he embellishes--

Gus

Lies.

Shawn

Clarifies!

--it lets me know that he cares.

Shawn

Have you ever seen this vandal?

Nope, but I've felt them.

Shawn

Was that in an appropriate way?

Hell, I wasn't even gonna call you out here but Binky insisted.

Gus

Binky?

Oh. You don't call him Binky?

Shawn

We do now!

Lassiter

Sheriff Hank, why don't you tell the boys here what the problem been here.

Well, it started out as simple vandalism. Somebody's been stealing our wood from sidewalks, buildings, fence posts.

Shawn

Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers, but I'm not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler elves.

Shawn

There's got to be a logical explanation for where that horse and rider disappeared to.

Gus

I got one for you. The next dimension

Shawn

Really, Winston Zeddemore? That's what you believe?

Lassiter

What the hell is going on here?

Shawn

This is called 19-card stud.

Gus

Regular poker is too complicated. It makes it easier to get pairs.

Shawn

Plus anything with a picture is wild.

Lassiter

Why aren't you two out interviewing suspects, or feeling the walls, or whatever the hell it is you do? At least do something!

Shawn

Man, I tried. I did. These people are kind of mean. It's a tough racket being sheriff, Lassie. Besides, I gotta go gun down that Stinky Feet fellow in about 20 minutes.

Gus

Stinky Pete.

Shawn

You wouldn't understand; you've never killed a man.

Lassiter

Yes, I have.

Shawn

Yeah, but you've never pretended to kill one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.

Gus

Two times now.

Shawn

Yep, both times.

Lassiter

Well, while you two were sitting here playing Cowboys and Indians...

Shawn

Uh, uh, just Cowboys, Lassie.

Gus

Playing Injuns is offensive.

Lassiter

I didn't say Injuns, Guster.

Gus

That's what I heard.

Shawn

Me too.

Shawn

I'm just saying, technology is way overrated.

Gus

That's interesting--just yesterday you told me you intend on having your wedding in space.

Shawn

And that hasn't changed!

Shawn

I think I broke my back, and my neck, and my arm.

Gus

That's nothing, I just bruised my coccyx.

Shawn

Say what?

Gus

You know what I mean.

Shawn

I certainly do not.

Gus

When I get home I'm definitely going to have to rub oil on my coccyx.

Shawn

Gus, please, that is disgusting.

Gus

What? A deep tissue massage is definitely what my coccyx needs.

Shawn

Would you stop saying that word!?

Gus

Coccyx? That's what it's called Shawn!

Gus

Do you think it could be PTSD?

Shawn

I think it's slightly more serious than a mere menstrual issue.

Shawn

[in confession] I've been stealing food that Gus hides in his desk and eating it and then blaming it on the cleaning lady Oniniña.

Gus

[listening from outside] I knew it, I knew it!

Shawn

What are you saying? That he has a hunch based on unverifiable information?

Gus

That's what you use to solve every case!

Shawn

Okay, that stings. It's true, though.

Shawn

What else did he say?

Gus

He did say he's been getting strength through a particular proverb...

Shawn

Alright, fine, let's do a quick list: 'You can't teach an old dogs new tricks', 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush', 'If it's brown flush it down...'

Do you think it could be PTSD?

Shawn

I'm afraid this is far more serious than a mere menstrual issue.