Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

We just had a surprise inspection a few days ago. Is there something wrong?

Shawn

Yes, you weren't surprised enough.

Lassiter

Where is the restaurant manager?

Shawn

Probably inside managing the restaurant.

Gus

Shawn, your horoscopes suck. Yours are all way too specific.

Shawn

Maybe I wrote them with specific people in mind.

Young Shawn

Okay, I'm going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey guy.

Henry

[pointing to the knight] Stop! What is this piece called?

Young Shawn

I call him Dwight.

Henry

[pointing to the bishop] What is this one called?

Young Shawn

B.A. Baracus.

Lassiter

[after Shawns wipes makeup off of suspect's forehead] He's wearing makeup!

Is he gay?

Shawn

No! ...Um, maybe. [pause] Look, I... I don't know.

Shawn

[sees Lassiter and gasps] It's a miracle!

Gus

Thank God you're all right!

Shawn

We heard a cop named Lassie died. Jules, tell me you got the flowers.

Lassiter

Lassie III was a retired police dog.

Gus

From the obit, it's amazing what you two had in common--strong, dedicated, loyal.

Shawn

Bouts with ringworm, expressive eyes, goes like this after he poops. [theatrically wipes his feet on the ground]

Shawn

First the stick, then the carrot.

Gus

You don't even know what that means.

Shawn

Leave me alone.

Henry

Well that's a stupid house to rob.

Shawn

Does anyone live up to your expectations? Maybe we should get the robber's phone number so you can call and tell him how disappointed you are.

Henry

Nannies are criminally underpaid.

Shawn

Right, 'cause our children are our most precious resources.

Henry

Because children are maddening hellions. A great nanny can make all the difference in the world.

Lassiter

Just so we're clear, [he holds his hand high]Cops are here. [he holds up his other hand, much further down] Bounty hunters are here. [he moves the first hand directly on top of the second] And psychics are here.

Gus

Dude, we beat out bounty hunters!

Lassiter

By a knuckle.

Shawn

Where are orthodontists on this list?

Lassiter

I hate snow globes.

Shawn

Huh. That's strange, because my psychic sense told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares of being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burned your skin off.

Lassiter

Who keeps telling people I like snow globes?!

Shawn

The Christmas spirits told me to give this to you.

Buzz

Oh my goodness, a Daisy Red Ryder! I had one of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.

Shawn

Well, Merry Christmas, from me and Gus.

Buzz

Thanks, guys.

Gus

He's gonna shoot his eye out.

Shawn

Yes he is.

Gus

That was amazing. How did you know that?

Shawn

Uh, the room where I take naps shares a vent with the room where they do the psychological evals. Lassie!

Lassiter

I-I hate snow globes.

Shawn

Well, that's strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn't give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off. Merry Christmas from me and Gus! [turns to Juliet] Mr. Mittens says it felt just like going to sleep and he doesn't hold it against you at all. Kitty heaven? It's just like East Beach.

Juliet

That is the best news ever.

Gus

Merry Christmas, from both Shawn and--

Shawn

Whoa, whoa, this is a very special gift that's clearly just from me. Don't appropriate. Not at Christmastime.

Lassiter

Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?!

Shawn

We went almost three hours without having an argument.

Henry

It's our best holiday in years.

Shawn

Ah, Mr. Mitchell.

Yes.

Shawn

My name is Shawn Spencer--

I'm not interested in any fake vacation packages, I'm not giving you my social security number so I can gain the grand prize, and I'm not paying for any damn subscriptions for magazines that I know I'll never see! [slams door closed]

Shawn

I am the head psychic of the Santa Barabara Police Department!

[door opens again] Oh. Come on in, then!

I like my wine the same way I like my men. White, and hairy.

Shawn

That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness!