Jez quotes from Peep Show

I'm going to get us both really high and then try to put my hand up her jumper.

Mark

That's your plan is it?

Mark

[knocking on the locked bedroom door] Open up! Open up, you bloody arsehole!

Mark, I'm sorry, but can you please keep down the banging?

Mark

You bloody - I can't believe you!

Look, please, be quiet, okay?

Mark

[shaking the door handle] Let me out! Let me out I need a poo!

[slips a takeaway bag under the door] Do your business in there if you have to. God, you're disgusting.

Mark

(Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

Mark

Promise me you will not try to sleep with her.

I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

Mark

So. You slept with her. You promised.

I promised to try not to.

Mark

Yeah, well you didn't try very hard did you.

Mark, I tried incredibly hard. It just turns out it was literally impossible not to.

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Mark

Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.

Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.

Mark

Doesn't that... devalue it a bit?

No. Maybe. A bit. Who cares, it works.

Mark

You'd be the first to admit that you're not the most rational thinker.

No I wouldn't!

Mark

You still don't understand what happens in Ocean's Eleven.

It's a complicated film.

Mark

It really isn't.

Look Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. The law of "if it feels good, do it".

Mark

Oh, that's a great law isn't it? What's that, Gaddafi's law?

It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!

Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?

Mark

Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

Mark

Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?

Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!

Mark

No, it isn't.

Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!

Right well, let's crack on.

Super Hans

Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?

Get yourself a nice tank of petrol. Come back soon.

(Yeah, right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No thank you.)

Mark

Please, no. Please tell me no.

What?

Mark

That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.

Nothing is going on there.

Mark

Let's just say nothing's going on there.

Yeah. [Pause] Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -

Mark

Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!

She's hot.

Mark

She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!

I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.

Mark

Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting.

(I am James Bond.)

Sophie

Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.

No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

Big Suze

Sounds like you want to pimp me out.

Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.