Jez quotes from Peep Show

Mark

Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?

Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.

Big Suze

Jeremy?! What the hell are you doing here?

Me? Oh. Nothing. I was just passing through... Kettering... And I thought, hey I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend.

Look, Suze. Being black isn't about the colour of your skin. It's about vibe, hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number. Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them! Yeah? I'm down with all that! Is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?!

Big Suze

You mean... apart from his mentoring and community work?

...Yeah, apart from that!

Sophie

And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?

Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

Mark

You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?

Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?

Mark

This piece of paper says that I am fucked.

Oh. That's horrible, who sent you that?

Mark

It's my plan for Project Zeus

Let's have a look.

Mark

That's what I've got to go through that door and pitch to the entire JLB board in 10 minutes.

Shit.

Mark

I'm about to walk into a boardroom gangbang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.

Maybe you should run away.

Mark

Right, thanks Jez.

Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?

Mark

Right, well, in this case there would be repercussions.

What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!

Mark

I suppose I could... run away.

Do it, man!! (I think that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)

Mark

(God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket! Or I could join al-Qaeda! Maybe I'll marry my lap dancer! I do think in a weird way we had a connection... fuck the Blockbuster's fine, I'm going clear!)

Jeremy

(Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams, but it's a start.)

Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?

Mark

I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not away from Sophie, just... without her.

.....

Mark

You should join too. You get a free pen!

Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr. Corrigan.

Mark

Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.

Matt

Mark why are you saying this? I don't understand.

Mark

B-because... because it's true.

Matt

Please don't do this! This is my career!

You should've thought about that when you were touching his cock.

Nancy

Matt, violence never solved anything: love thy neighbour as thyself.

Yeah, exactly; fuck off!

Matt

Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!

Mark

He thinks we can't hide here forever.

He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?

Mark

Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.

Super Hans

Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?

Sorry, I didn't think.

Super Hans

Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!

Did you do it?

Super Hans

'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

Nancy

What's going on? Who's wanking who off?

Super Hans

Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.

No I haven't! It's not -

Nancy

Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

What do you mean that is so me? That is not so me.

Cheer up, Mark. At least now you've got a funny story to tell people.

Mark

Yes. No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. (One that I'll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.)

Warp factor 3 please, Scotty!

Mark

(Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)

Mark

Did you actually have to eat it?

I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.

Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?

Mark

I believe I did, and what exactly is....

Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.

Mark

Right, and who won - Gore Vidal or Dr Jonathan Miller?