Jez quotes from Peep Show

There's no quim likes to party...

Mark

...like the quim down in Darty!

So these are just rows and rows of books you don't like? Do you spend a lot of time not reading them?

(Angry) I think you've said enough, friend.

Mark

If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.

Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?

You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. [Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]

Mark

And if you do do that, don't do it in here. The hook's almost off the wall as it is.

No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.

Mark

Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!

But you said... what about your mum's life?

Mark

What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her?

Mark

Does... does he beat you, Soph?

Sophie

God, no. He broke a plate once, but...

Mark

Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?

Sophie

No, never. It's nothing like that.

Mark

He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.

Sophie

No.

Hey, Soph. You alright?

Sophie

Yeah, just getting my head together.

Mark

Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

Jeff

Hello?

Mark

You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.

Jeff

I need to see Soph.

Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -

Mark

Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!

Jeff

Mark, I need to see Sophie.

Mark

I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!

Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.

Jeff

How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.

Jeff

Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!

Mark

No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!

It isn't bullshit! Let him in!

Jeff

Let me in, Jez! Please!

(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.

Mark

[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?

Sophie

Let him in, Mark.

Mark

[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!

Sophie

Just open the door, we need to talk.

Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -

[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

Nancy

You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?

The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!

Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?

Mark

Honestly?

Quite honestly. Not brutally honestly.

Mark

Then... yeah, absolutely.

"You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen 'Mad Max', haven't you? That's what's going to happen!

Mark

Mad Max isn't necessarily going to happen.

You're still living in your Hitchhiker's Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

Super Hans!

Super Hans

Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructible.

People like lager and nuts.

Super Hans

People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?

Super Hans

Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.

Yeah OK!

Oh Suze, it's not scary; you just lose your sense of who you are and all that shit.

Big Suze

Will I still be able to play the piano?

Of course! Suze, they're mushrooms; they're completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

You da man!

Mark

I'm a man!

It's you da man.

Mark

Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a man!