Jez quotes from Peep Show

What about going Litvinenko?

Mark

Kill him? With polonium?

Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just [motions scooping Jerry up with his hand]

Super Hans

I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me. You, you're a pure chrome dildo. Solid.

Mark

OK, everything's out. What now?

We could tie him to a hot air balloon. Then he would drift away out of the window.

Mark

Um...

You like that? The hot air balloon? Or punch him, Hans?

Super Hans

What you looking at me for? You punch him. Maybe you could sit on him, intimidate him, yeah? Fart on his face.

Psychological warfare. Yeah, grind him down. Attack his beliefs.

Super Hans

Yeah. That, plus we fart.

Mark

What is this, farty Guantanamo?

He is, sort of, bagged for our convenience.

Mark

What?

We could just... bag him up and sling him out.

Mark

(I'm definitely going to agree to this. I just need to put up an acceptable level of objection so I can be all reproachful if it proves to be a disaster, which it almost certainly will.) No! No way. No. Well, ok. But on your heads be it.

Him as well?

Mark

You chose to go into my bedroom. You filmed yourself!

I didn't know your room was bristling with surveillance equipment!

Super Hans

[To Mark] That's what real mates do. They take a pounding, but they still come up smiling. Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed.

God, has the entire world seen this fucking video?! I came here to talk to someone about this. Get some perspective. Turns out I can just read the fucking YouTube comments!

[To Hans] Simon...

Mark

(Simon? Super Simon? Simon Hans?)

You are the best of men. The truest, kindest, most generous of men.

(I think he might be the opposite of all those words.)

(This is a disaster. Joe thinks I'm an idiot. I'm not an idiot, I'm Paxman.) To be honest, uh, I've never really got it about Jesus. I mean, apart from all the Christian stuff, what did Jesus actually do?

What did Jesus do, apart from Christianity?

Yeah, put that aside.

The moral universe we all live in?

I'm not knocking the guy! I'm just saying, you know, apart from that, what did he actually achieve? You know I'm not saying I like him, but at least Hitler did some paintings.

Who's the most famous person you've life-coached?

Uh, I would probably have to say... (think of someone famous, think of someone famous) ...the Queen. (Interesting choice.)

The Queen?

Yeah. It was either the Queen, or, Jenson Button, but, in the end, I'd probably have to say the Queen.

I don't like it. It smells of crime.

Super Hans

You'll be well compensated. Money up front. I'm talking five figures.

Five figures?

Super Hans

Well, there's a decimal place after the first three figures.

So three figures?

Super Hans

Five figures total. Three figures actual.

Macchiato and a blueberry muffin, please.

Mark

A muffin? You're going to stand here waiting for a massacre eating a muffin?

What difference does it make?

Mark

Unbelievable. Uh, flat white extra hot and a biscotti. But this is on you! I'm holding you fully accountable.

I don't need to take a stupid IQ test to know that I'm three times as intelligent as you.

Mark

Oh, really? And what's three times a hundred and thirty-three?

(Three hundreds and thirty and thirty and thirty. But then all the threes, is it a trick question?) Mark no one does maths these days. We've all got calculators in our pockets, just like all our maths teachers said we wouldn't. Anyway this proves nothing. Probably most people are below average.

Mark

It's Ian. I can't find him anywhere. So many bloody kids. I need to somehow get them all cleared out. Maybe shout "fire" or I could tell the staff that you were a famous paedo. That would clear the place like Jaws at the beach.

A famous paedo?

Mark

What? You're very famous and easy about labels. You don't mind a bit of a "bad boy" rep.