Mark quotes from Peep Show

Super Hans

I'm guessing: cat

Mark

(Yes, and this cat's going to help me lure Dobby in, like a classic 70s paedo with a Ford Granada.)

Dobby

We will do this for real, right? We will go interrailing?

Mark

(Ohh, she's insatiable. I don't want to sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.) Yeah, sure.

I've got medical training, I've got a certificate.

Mark

I gave you the certificate. It's utterly meaningless.

In a way, aren't all so-called qualifications meaningless?

Mark

No.

Yeah, I just spoke to Dave Franks. Apparently you and another bloke tried to swindle him? And then one of you did a shit in a display toilet.

Mark

That wasn't us, there was also a five-year-old boy.

Well, he didn't mention a boy.

Mark

There honestly was one. The shit will be child-sized, if you ask him.

I'm not asking him that.

Mark

Okay...Am I fired?

Yes.

Mark

Well, me and Dobby make a great team... Opposites attract!

No they don't. Not really. That's just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.

Look, I'm really, really serious, Mark. I can't see a way out of this. I think maybe... like... like one of us should kill ourselves.

Mark

The life coach speaks!

Mark

Well why don't you go back to London, then?

Oh, so you can ask her to marry you?

Mark

That's what we agreed.

Fuck the agreement.

Mark

Oh, great, that's brilliant. Fuck the agreement. Fuck the Geneva Convention. Fuck Parliamentary democracy. Fuck everything. Is that your great new idea?

You know how weak my powers of self-control are. Normally I can't wait five minutes before having a wank or a spliff or a chocolate biscuit. I've restrained myself for nearly three hours. That's got to stand for something. I'm sorry, but I'm going to tell Dobby how I feel about her.

I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.

Mark

Oh, right.

I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?

Mark

(Got to get my dick out of the dog.)

Look, the problem for you is I'm your friend. I know you, Mark. I know you like to pretend you're this stuffed shirt who reads incredibly boring books about dead people killing each other with bayonets and typhoid, but I know the truth. I've watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on it's way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That's the real you.

Mark

(It wasn't Antwerp, it was Freiburg.)

You're this pathetic human who likes Twirls and Downton and Bond and Burgers. So don't come the big guy with me, because it won't fucking wash!

What about going Litvinenko?

Mark

Kill him? With polonium?

Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just [motions scooping Jerry up with his hand]

Super Hans

I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me. You, you're a pure chrome dildo. Solid.

Mark

OK, everything's out. What now?

We could tie him to a hot air balloon. Then he would drift away out of the window.

Mark

Um...

You like that? The hot air balloon? Or punch him, Hans?

Super Hans

What you looking at me for? You punch him. Maybe you could sit on him, intimidate him, yeah? Fart on his face.

Psychological warfare. Yeah, grind him down. Attack his beliefs.

Super Hans

Yeah. That, plus we fart.

Mark

What is this, farty Guantanamo?

He is, sort of, bagged for our convenience.

Mark

What?

We could just... bag him up and sling him out.

Mark

(I'm definitely going to agree to this. I just need to put up an acceptable level of objection so I can be all reproachful if it proves to be a disaster, which it almost certainly will.) No! No way. No. Well, ok. But on your heads be it.

Super Hans

Look, I don't think I've ever said this before, but I've got a huge amount of respect for you, yeah? When UKIP come to round us all up, you'll be there, won't you, at the barricades saying "No"?

Mark

Oh, that's... that's very nice of you to say, Hans.

Super Hans

Yeah. So, it's like this. I want you to be best man at my wedding.

Mark

Best Man? What about Jez?

Super Hans

Molly hates him. I need a... norm. And you, well you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, Beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar Cheese and Chicken Tikka Masala man.

Mark

...Thank you? (There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge, flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons.)

Him as well?

Mark

You chose to go into my bedroom. You filmed yourself!

I didn't know your room was bristling with surveillance equipment!

[To Hans] Simon...

Mark

(Simon? Super Simon? Simon Hans?)

You are the best of men. The truest, kindest, most generous of men.

(I think he might be the opposite of all those words.)