Mark quotes from Peep Show

Why do you have to bring worry and doubt into everything? You're like some kind of mad evangelist for anxiety!

Mark

(Lots to go around old son. I'm probably a few grams lighter now.)

Sophie

When our child looks up at you, I want them to see a happy, contented role model - not some grey faced, dull eyed drone who's hated his job and his life for years.

Mark

(Must ring Dad.)

What was it Shakespeare said?

Mark

He said a lot of things, Jeremy.

He basically said something about how there are more things there than there are actual things that you can see with your eyes. That's not the exact quote.

Mark

I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.

Oh, don't be a cock!

Mark

I'm not a cock, but the cock has certainly crowed... thrice.

When? What are you talking about?

Mark

It means you've betrayed me, it's the New Testament. You cock!

Mark

I don't think I wiped off that porn you recommended.

I didn't recommend it Mark. I'm not Time Out.

Mark

Yes you did - you gave it five stars!

So you'll buy tissue paper for me to wipe my sphincter, but you won't buy a bit of lube to aid the giving and receiving of pleasure?

Mark

That's right.

Elena

Isn’t there a saying in life: “Whatever you don’t know makes you stronger”?

Mark

No.

Elena

Maybe it would be better if you told him.

Mark

Better for who? For you?

I'm in a relationship, Mark...and it's a same-sex relationship. And I don't find you attractive. Even speaking objectively.

Mark

(Great! The big triple: uninterested, unavailable and physically repulsed.)

I'm freezing. Could you throw me a rope?

Mark

I haven’t got a rope.

What do you mean, you haven’t got a rope?

Mark

I don't own a rope! I don't own a boat, or any cattle, or any of the things that ropes are useful for. What the hell would you do with a rope, anyway?

Climb up it!

Mark

Oh, sure. Climb up it, using your strength.

Well, you could pull me up.

Mark

Yeah, I could haul you up using my muscles.

Even a dried up, dessicated old branflake on toast like you should be able to see that!

Mark

(If I’m a branflake, he’s a slutty Sugar Puff!)

Did you make the bed? You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay? Righty righty!

Mark

(I made his bed and got his tea, I am his wife!)

Dobby

Hey Mark!!

Mark

Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

Mark

Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party!

I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass.

Mark

Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.

This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!

Big of you, inviting him.

Mark

I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.