Mark quotes from Peep Show

Are you angry?

Mark

You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!! That's quite a number, even for you. But then, on the other hand, I was definitely having a baby which, to be honest, wasn't really on my to do list for the year, so in a way, things are looking up.

Such a relief to tell you. It's been ever so weird ever since it happened. I've had this really bad feeling, like in my brain.

Mark

It's called guilt, Jeremy. Most people feel it quite a bit when they've done something wrong.

And...what about the...issue?

Mark

Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.

Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!

Mark

Right. (Oh Jesus)

(Oh Jesus)

Mark

OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.

Jeremy

Jesus.. You are something else.

Mark

Thank you very much.

Jeremy

(He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)

Sophie

One small spritzer, half a unit. Should I have got written permission?

Mark

Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!

Mark

The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.

[Stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!

Mark

Please don't call it the creamy elephant.

Jeremy

Oh my god! It's wheels within wheels! I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders!

Mark

(At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.)

Jeremy

..what's?

Mark

Fire alarm.

Jeremy

Oh God, look at you. Frightened little mouse.

Mark

It's a fire alarm Jeremy!

Jeremy

Oh yeah, right, like there's a fire! There's never a fire, Mark, it just doesn't happen! I mean, maybe in a film, but...

Mark

So what? There's never been a fire, anywhere?

Jeremy

Not in an office, in England. God, you're pathetic! Ooh, fire! Please don't burn me or my possessions! I'm so important and flammable!

Mark

Is this a test?

No, not a test.

Jeremy

Come on, Mark! Fucking hell, get your elbows in! It's all gone backdraft!

Mark

I thought I might do a skit with Dobbie.

Oh, I get it! The smell of the grease-paint, the swish of the curtain, the rub-job in the dressing room.

Jeremy

They've really screwed us, man!

Mark

They've screwed me, they've diddled you at best.

Jeremy

Fork my leg.

Mark

I do sort of want to but... no, too weird!

Jeremy

Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!

Mark

Yes it does.

Jeremy

Oh God. Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!

Mark

Condom, condom, condom. Although maybe, two?

Dobby

Two condoms?

Mark

Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. Three is the magic number. (I've got to tell her. I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'll be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm.)

Oh and I saw the porn she was looking at! Man, it's hot! She's got great taste, it was the most fantastic porn I've ever seen.

Mark

Isn't it just the usual dead-eyed men fucking dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain?

She's the one person for me, in the whole world.

Mark

Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?

Sophie

Obviously it would be really great if you were happy but it's not the most pressing thing.

Mark

No... no, of course not.