Mark quotes from Peep Show

Mark

I need to get Gerrard incredibly fucked. Booze, drugs, whatever.

Chemical castration; classic.

Mark

Only downside is no Dobby. If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted good party.

Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.

Mark

What, like start a message and then say "Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I've got too much tit in my mouth."?

Exactly

Oh god, Elena.

Mark

....

This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right? Don't stand there thinking it is.

Mark

I'm not Jez. (This is all his chickens coming home to roost. It's a roost-a-thon.)

Mark

Dobby mustn't see Gerrard. He's gone over the edge of reason. Get rid of him!

Aye aye, captain.

Mark

Sophie? Jeff says the baby's a boybe. Is it a boybe?

Sophie

Yes!

Mark

Right... almost makes it seem real.

Sophie

Well it is real.

Mark

Of course. (Totally doesn't feel real. maybe 1% more real now)

Sophie

I've been thinking about names, have you been thinking about names?

Mark

Soph, it's early doors yet, we've a month and some weeks to go (I can get to Argentina in a month. Argentina and a face transplant?)

Sophie

I was thinking 'Tarquin Oliver Nimrod'.

Sophie

What would you call him? Mark? Mark Mark Corrigan III?

Mark

No! Of course not, something... normal.

Sophie

What's normal?

Mark

I dunno.. Bruce, or something.

Sophie

Bruce!?

Mark

No, not Bruce.

Sophie

Did you just say Bruce?

Mark

No, I didn't mean Bruce, just a name in that area.

Sophie

Little Bruce?

Mark

No, not Bruce. Just a name like Bruce, not even that much like Bruce!

Sophie

Aaaaaargh! Bastard, bastard, fat bastard!

Mark

(Is that for me or just general bastarding?)

Sophie

Oh, fuck off, fuck off!

Mark

(If she keeps saying "fuck off", I might fuck off. That's got to be within your rights, to fuck off if someone repeatedly screams at you to fuck off.)

Dobby's got a boyfriend.

Mark

Oh, God. Really?

His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us.

Mark

(Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.) So, what's he like?

Graphic designer.

Mark

Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a £100,000 for a squiggle." (Wish I was a graphic designer.)

And he drives an Audi.

Mark

But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik! (Wish I had an Audi.)

Mark

Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.

Er... no, we do.

Mark

No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except... oh!

Mark, relax.

Mark

This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?

Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.

Mark

Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!

Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?

Mark

Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!

Well, suit yourself. Mmm, luxury milk!

Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.

Mark

We're not, we're just arranging our models. With some noises.

Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.

Mark

For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.

Did you ever actually, er...?

Mark

Well, you know, on occasion.

Corfu '06?

It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.

Mark

(Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?)

Zara says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself... it's a clever saying, isn't it?

Mark

And what about losing all your money? Or shitting yourself in public? Or the tabloid press mistakingly outing you as a paedo? Or Alzheimer's? Or all of those things plus you're drowning?

Christ, Mark. You really need to grow a pair.

Mark

Of testicles?

Yes.

Mark

You want me to grow a pair of testicles so I'd have four testicles and somehow that'll help make me braver and better to deal with stress? Staggering around like a baboon with four balls hanging down?

Mark

I'm just off to Dobby's, and I don't think I'll be needing to be friends with Kenneth anymore.

OK. Do you think Kenneth might have been made redundant?

Mark

Indeed, I think Kenneth can take a hike.

Kenneth is what Mark calls his nine-inch dildo.