Mark(Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.)
Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.
Mark
(Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.)
Did you bring those CDs like I told you?
JJackie
Oh yes, they're in my handbag. Shall I fetch them?
Might be an idea. Oh, and guess what, you forgot to top-up my phone. Again.
Mark
Sorry, Jez, is there some reason why you're being so incredibly rude to your mum?
Oh, right, stick up for mummy. You don't know her, Mark. You don't know her tricks. Anyway, what's it to you? Do you want to fuck my mum, is that it? Mum, Mark wants to fuck you.
Mark
Shut up, Jeremy.
He definitely wants to fuck you, Mum.
JJackie
Stop showing off to Mark, Jeremy.
Me? I'm not the one dressed like a prossy.
Mark
Please, Jez! This level of conflict may be usual for you, but it's not healthy - I'm going to have a heart attack!
Oh, and I suppose your relationship with your mum is healthy, is it? Sitting in silence watching Taggart. Thirty years of mutual resentment eating away at you.
Mark
We like Taggart. Even the new ones.
Mark
You really do have to get over this thing with your mum - you're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.
Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet when you stop being...
Mark
(He can't think of a Shakespearean character!)
Mark
(Ha! He couldn't even think of Romeo! Romeo's easy!)
NNatalie
I tell you what, let's make this next one an Irish wine.
Mark
Well, what's an Irish wine? (Look at me, talking happily to a lesbian about war and Irish wine. Good job you're dead Norman Mailer cos there's a new Gonzo in town.)
NNatalie
Whiskey usually makes me horny. It's a horny drink.
Mark
(When did we stop saying randy, I wonder. Horny has driven randy out)
Mark
It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.
Well, it's not bum-rape, no.
Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.
I thought you were a business brain Mark, but you're better than that. You're what my grandma would call 'a real piece of shit'
Do you want to date? Are you a dater?
Mark
(Well, err, I have been out with women...so I guess...)
Mark
(Wow, I've got a date! I'm a real piece of shit! I bet those two things go hand-in-hand. I bet if I got into defrauding pensioners, the pussy would really start rolling in.)
How could you possibly make one of these [crystal skulls] except by some type of magic?
Mark
In a factory...from glass.
Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
Mark
No.
Mark
Yes.
Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
Mark
(Please don't make me believe in them.)
Mark
I do believe in crystal skulls.
And what do you believe about them?
Mark
I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing.
There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Mark
(Sorry, science. Sorry, Enlightenment. Sorry, logic.)
[Mark and Cally are in bed after having sex together]
Mark
(Well, that was great. Apart from the skull sending out its invisible rays of bullshit, I think that might be my best ever sexual experience)
Okay, I think we have to have a talk. About the whole thing.
Mark
I'm sorry? The whole...?
The whole sexual experience. I have to say, that was very disappointing.
Mark
Oh, right.
I don't mean to be rude, but is that the kind of thing you usually do?
Mark
Well, I suppose, in general....what, what exactly did I do wrong?
Well, it was better than with Jeremy though. With Jeremy, I had to stop him in the middle.
Mark
You stopped Jeremy in the middle?
Sorry, is this weird for you, do you want to know?
Mark
[reluctantly] I do...a bit
He's like a red setter bounding after a tennis ball, you're like a captain solemnly going down with his ship.
Mark
Well, well that's good to know.
But we can try again, just as long as you're prepared for me to tell you exactly what to do?
Mark
That could be a good system.
She's trying to shaft me, Mark! You've gotta dump her, it's a no-brainer.
Mark
It is not a no-brainer. I'll have to think about it. It's a brainer. It's a real brainer. See the thing is, I don't think I've ever done sex right before.
Oh, you're fine, mate. Stick with Missionary, you're a sexual civilian. Leave the disgusting stuff to me.
Mark
Cally's teaching me, she's giving me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long
That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point.
Mark
Hey Jez!
Mark
This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
That's great. Good for you.
Mark
(Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)
Mark
Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
I've just been doing alot of thinking.
Mark
(Oh shit.)
Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.
I've actually, I've got some news. Big news.
Mark
Oh yes? (Please don't say you're pregnant. Please don't say you're pregnant.)
Mark
(FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) [Calmly] Right, you're pregnant. Of course.
I did three home tests last night and they were all positive.
Mark
Only three?
Peep Show · 435 quotes
