Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies to be included on your hunting trip.
Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie.
You're literally listening to turkey calls!
Oh is this not rap?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.
MJMark & Jerry
Here here!
And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.
[everyone except Ron cheers]
Ron your toast sucked.
Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together.
Oh Ann, I always forget since you're so pretty you're not used to rejection.
Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?
I was shot in the head with a shotgun!
Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry! I find that relaxes me!
Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?
When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?
Is that normal?
Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?
Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows the empty bottle of scotch]
No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now okay?
No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.
Can you open his mouth Leslie?
What?
Open his mouth!
Okay.
I'm not making myself throw up.
Ron you have to.
I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!
I will bite you!
Grab his mustache!
OPEN YOUR MOUTH!
AHHHHHHHH!
On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?
I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.
Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.
Maybe Ron shot himself.
Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.
He was shot in the back of the head!
You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!
It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.
You think someone is hunting us?
Man is the most dangerous game.
For the Predator!
I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.
That was pine trees.
The predator can see heat.
We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.
[After Leslie falsely confesses to shooting Ron in the head, the Parks Ranger thinks it all has to do with her being a woman]
PRPark Ranger
So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.
No, I'm an excellent hunter.
PRPark Ranger
How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?
Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.
PRPark Ranger
Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.
Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I saw a quail and I shot at it.
PRPark Ranger
In mid-trip?
No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That's what happened, end of story.
PRPark Ranger
Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?
[jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best of me.
I just, I cared too much, I guess.
I was thinking with my lady-parts.
I was walking and I felt something icky.
I thought there was gonna be chocolate.
I don't even remember.
I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it threw me off.
All I wanna do is have babies!.
Are you single?
I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.
I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.
This would not happen if I had a penis!
[While putting on lipstick] What?
Bitches be crazy.
I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.
You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.
Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.
Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.
Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you-
Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did that!
Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined you could come by and shoot me in the head.
[to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron.
Dude Ron I'm so sorry.
Apology not accepted moron.
The fourth floor is awful! The DMV, Divorce Filings, Probation Offices ugh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.
There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.
WWaiter
You ready to order?
Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap.
I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please.
WWaiter
How do you want that cooked?
Medium Roar.
WWaiter
Medium rare?
No, medium roar.
WWaiter
For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats anymore.
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