Is the menu all set?
Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.
And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!
Sweet!
No!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
DDonor
So you do a lot of investing?
We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine glass and stares at it] The economy.
Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.
Do it! Fierce! Power! Pump it up! 2012! Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan!
[Candidates are giving their opening statements]
FTFester Trim
I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium.
RGRandom Guy In The Crowd
Woo!
FTFester Trim
I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.
You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year alone.
SRSame Random Guy In The Crowd
Woo!
Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to be the only woman in a room full of men.
EDEnrico De La Rosa
I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my own children.
I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is having sex with men and women on camera.
Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.
Okay, listen up folks, we have a security situation here. As you know when we reach the location, I will be conducting a security sweep. Also, from now on, we will be using code names. You can address me, as “Eagle 1”. Ann, Codename “Been There Done That.” April is “Currently Doing That.” Donna is “It Happened Once in a Dream.” Chris codename “If I Had to Pick a Dude.” Ben is “Eagle 2”.
Oh thank God.
[giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate this city's libraries!
[Applause and cheers from the crowd]
Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.
He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then BAM, I start crying.
Okay Ben what do we do?!
It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose!
Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.
I'm not gonna beat him.
Not with that attitude!
Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.
April?
I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!
Andy?
If..I..If...The guy...
Okay!
If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.
BBill
Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to know about it.
And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions?
LGLittle Girl
How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call Mr. Newport a jerk?
...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling Nick Newport Hitler.
RReporter
Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call "Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family you'd like to attack?
RReporter
And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of some kind?
Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody.
RReporter
Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?
[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes]
BBill
Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!
Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?
[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck]
Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!
Am I dead?
BBill
WHAT THE HELL!?
Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.
BBill
That is not what happened.
I got witnesses.
Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.
BBill
[To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."
Well it is but you're an asshole.
So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.
BBill
GAH!
Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis to everyone and you've come here to pie him!
The little twerp has it coming!
Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I would love nothing-
[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face]
Aww Fuck Ben! Sorry!
[Police take Sewage Joe away]
Oh ho! I did it!
[covered in pie] Yeah...Great job.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.