Parks and Recreation · Season 1
How are you?
Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!
How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to 'Single Ladies' by yourself?
Oh my God did that happen to you?
Maybe! Let's get a drink!
Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.
It is.
Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you rebound!?
Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]
Stop staring at Jerry like that!
Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.
Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.
How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?
I-I...sometimes I say that, too.
I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna make a decision...
The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too.
Alright.
Let's go.
Oh hey, uh, may I say...
Don't.
...that the boys in blue...
Stop.
...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it comes........9/11.
And we're walking.
OK.
Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement at that time.
We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.
Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.
"Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."
It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.
Do I look like I drink water?
It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other implications as well. So those are a maybe.
Why are you here eating alone?
I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.
That's impossible.
Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.
I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's me.
Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.
This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make anything sound positive.
Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock market.
It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.
If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
