Only Fools and Horses · Season 1
The tour doesn't start for another three months.
Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?
Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!
[Del standing by Rodney and Albert pointing to Raquel]
How many people can you see standing there?
[Albert and Rodney look at each other]
Well... one.
I can see - two.
[Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace]
You know what that means, Albert?
No.
Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.
[Back at the flat after the performance]
You bastard! You just walked out and left us!
What else could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?
Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations", and "The Gween Gween Gwass of Home"!
And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! [bursts out laughing]
[coldly] That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!
Who's there?
Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?
It's Tony, let him in.
I've come for me money.
All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.
No. Not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepotoire that you - YOU -insisted on.
I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's!
What does that matter?
Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.
I don't sing songs with R's in. And if the song has got an R in it, I change the lywics.
Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?
How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's called "Cwying"!
We signed a contwact.
Ah yes, but my brother drew up that contract, and he put in a get out clause, didn't you, Rodney?
No.
Then why didn't you?
You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.
No-one who pwonounces R's like me has ever become successful.
There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
Exactly!
Give me a lift home will you Boyce?
Yeah me too Boycie.
Oh yes of course I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days, ain't I?
I turned to crime. [Del and friends look at each other] I got involved in that diamond-smuggling caper. [Del and friends slowly start walking to the door whilst Slater speaks] And as I, of all people, should know, I got collared. [He stands up and approaches Del and friends, who return to the wall they were at earlier; loudly] I spent three and a half years in a ten foot by six foot prison cell, trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life. [sits down; melodramatically] Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!
[not impressed] What had they fitted him up with?
To be more precise, Jesus found me...[sadly]was around about the time I got a message...to say...my old man had...passed away.
[softly] I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.
Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.
Why didn't you?
Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!
Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.
I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...
And he wouldn't let you go?
Not after what that old cow put in her letter!
Who's Rachel?
Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?
I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?
(about the women in the over-60's club) You should have more respect Mike. Those women went through the war for us.
Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.
(when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?
Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?
There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.
That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!
They were yesterday's newspapers!
I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon."
I got you two tickets!
That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!
Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.
There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.
That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.
Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.
I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!
So?
What?
What name have they decided on?
If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
