Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
What, he was gonna drive off it?
Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
No! Who held the whip-round?
All the passengers on his bus.
No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. They're bound to call it Damien.
(as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".
Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.
[Raquel is in labour, in the hospital delivery room. There is a knock at the door]
Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!
Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]
The specialists are on their way, Del.
Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.
[A female nurse enters the room, followed by a male nurse]
Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.
MMidwife
I know. That's why I'm here.
What are you, a pervo, or something?!
NNurse
This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.
MMidwife
I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.
[panting] Just let him do his job, Del.
I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!
[After Del has said he can see the baby's head]
What do you mean, normal?
No... numbers or anything?
What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?
[The Trotter Brothers and Boycie's family are escaping the Mafia in the Florida Everglades.]
Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...
(cuts in) Shut up moaning.
And then THEY (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!
You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!
Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!
You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.
Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?
When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!
You must have made more bloody noise than me then!
[Denzil and Trigger have been conscripted by Del into helping move six thousand gallons of a mysterious substance from Grandad's allotment, as per the council's orders]
[exasperated about Del being secretive] How can we be certain that this stuff [indicates the barrels containing the substance] isn't dangerous?!
[equally exasperated about Denzil's supposed insubordination] Because it is not! And that's the truth! [he goes into the shed, closing the door behind him]
There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth, now. You get that end... [moves to pick up one of the barrels]
What d'ya mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth?! That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!
Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager's got to do with it anyway.
[frustrated] But Trig... [thinks on what Trigger has just said] What?!
When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.
[angry] Yes, I remember! I was doing detention in there at the time!
And you say he don't know what he's talking about?
[annoyed] Right, that's it, Del! I am not touching them! I'm off!
[still in the shed, therefore unseen] Denzil, now, believe me, it's harmless! And to prove it, I'm gonna help you carry it! Well, I can't play fairer than that, can I?
Look, it can't be dangerous, Denzil.
Cause Del's just offered to help us carry 'em.
[Denzil moves to try strangling Trigger, then relents, knowing how stupid Trigger is.]
Yeah, all right, Trig. All right.
[The shed door opens, and Del emerges, dressed in an old-fashioned diving suit, complete with a big helmet. Trigger and Denzil stare at him.]
[enthusiastically] Lovely jubbly!
[Del (still wearing the diving suit, helmet and all), Trigger, and Denzil arrive at the council waste disposal depot in Denzil's van, with the barrels, only to find it closed.]
(checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.
(turns to face Trigger) What d'you mean, "it's a bit late"? You said it was open twenty-four hours a day!
[Del glares at Trigger, angry, then relents.]
[despairingly] So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of...something, in the back of my van!
We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.
[angry] Well, what's the point of taking it to your depot if that's not open either?!
[puts his hand in his pocket] Well, it soon will be open. [takes his hand out of his pocket. A set of keys are hanging from his fingers.] I got a spare set of keys here.
[glaring at Trigger] Bloody hell!
[to Del] Are you sure this is all right?
[angrily] WELL, WHO CARES?!
[nonchalantly] Yeah, no problems. [leans forward, to look backwards] Come on, back up. You're all right behind, Denzil.
[angrily] YES! [Denzil jumps back in his seat] JUST... HUSH UP WITH YOU, DENZIL! [faces forward; calmer] Stone me, it's bloody hot in here! I can't see the fascination with this diving lark!
[Denzil reverses his van away from the waste disposal depot gates.]
