Night Court quotes

Harry

Art, Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry... [seizes Art by his sterile mask] ...but what the hell are you doing?

I got a work order here to fumigate the entire building. We've got a problem with termites.

Harry

How big a problem?

[into his phone] I, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.

Mac

[at his desk, into his own phone] I understand.

Christine

You work in the building? Funny, I've never seen you.

Well... to be honest, I was told to stay away from this floor. [Bull enters, wearing a full-sized gas mask.] Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

Mac

Art, hey! We're busy here! You wanna pick this up later?

We're on red alert!

Mac

Really?

[lays a commiserative hand on Mac's shoulder] I only wish we could have saved your desk.

Mac

Oh, my dear Lord! [runs out]

Nancy Hines from Records. I have some data for you.

Dan

Thanks. Toss it in there, please.

Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here. [She hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie to everyone's amusement] It's from a friend.

Dan

It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence

And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry

Flo, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me. I called them, Dan!

Christine

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two don't have to cover for me. I was the one that called them!

Mac

Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan

You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry

...It was?

Dan

[laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac

You knew we all called!

Dan

Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me! [He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.] For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine

[unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence

Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

Mac

[hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.

[aghast] Two hours?

Mac

They said all their people are tied up right now.

Tied up with what?

Mac

Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up with People.

[shakes head] It was only a matter of time.

If you don't shut up, lady, I'm gonna pull this pin...

Ah, you don't scare me. I was one of the original Angels of Bataan, served in the Philippines. I've seen combat, I've seen bloodshed, I've seen man's inhumanity to man at its best! Where was I?

[helplessly] Oh-nine-hundred hours...

Right... [leans back, remembering] The smell of damp khaki filled the air...

Bull

Skip, why'd you do it? You were free. [Skip, an orangutan, pets Bull under his chin] Oh, I understand.

Christine

What did he say?!

Bull

He says he gave himself up for me. He says he weighed the options and decided that my career was more important, considering the steadily increasing competition in the urban job markets in addition to the unpredictable cost-of-living fluctuations in most free-enterprise industrial nations. Of course, I'm paraphrasing.

I understand your feelings. It's never easy, delivering a blow like this. I suppose you think I enjoy this sort of thing... [spins around, grinning widely] I DO! I'm sorry, I gotta be honest! I live for this kind of thing! I love it! [laughs]

[sarcastic] Well, that's a relief. I was afraid I wasn't getting through to him.

Harry

That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine

That... is the truth.

Harry

Mac, say it ain't so.

Mac

It's so.

Bull

My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.

Florence

That's cute. What happened when you found out?

Bull

When I found out what?

Bull

Gosh, He's good.

Florence

He's got His own ball.

Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

Uh, fr-from where?

Dan Fielding

My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

Dan

Alright, now, we need one more big push.

[exhausted] I can't!

Dan

You can!

I can't!

Dan

You can!

I can't!

Dan

[thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.

It's coming!

Dan

Sitting there in his silk pajamas, with all these big-breasted, exploited women catering to his every whim...

I can see a piece of shoulder!

Dan

Hey, wait! Who's that coming through the door? Is that... Oh, look, it is, it's Bobby Riggs!

It's out!

Dan

YES!

Harry

Can we talk? As you probably know, I-I don't subscribe to any particular organized religion. But then maybe neither do you, huh? All right, I confess. I've had more than my share of spiritual doubt. But then I've see some pretty glaring examples of man's inhumanity to man come stomping through here night after night... after night. You remember that guy...? Yeah. You remember everything, don't you? Well, I'm telling you, that one just about shook - shook my faith down to its foundation. And then... you drop a brand-new life right into my hands. Well, if I could just have the answer to a couple of questions. Like, if you've always been here, then where did you come from? And does man have the capacity to rid himself of his own evil? And why is the sky blue? Well, I can look that one up. But this baby stuff, boy... I'm telling you, that is not a cosmic accident. I mean, you gave us Mozart. Van Gogh. Confucius. Dr. Martin Luther King... [pulls a basketball out of his robe] And Larry Bird!

Bull

This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan

Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry

Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz

My mother was a show business freak.

Harry

Ah.

Roz

I do, however, feel more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine

Oh, the poor thing.

Roz

That's what my brother says.

Harry

Your brother...?

Roz

Slappy.

Bull

Harry's mother abandoned him when he was five years old. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz

My brother hasn't seen my mother in over thirty years.

Bull

Your brother...?

Roz

Topo Gigio.

Buddy

[about Harry's mother] Harry, she went into a psychiatric institution after she left you. That's where we met.

Harry

I'm gonna go out on a limb here... you weren't on the staff, were you?

Buddy

But I'm feeling much better now.