Scenes with Nick Miller 40
I need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm terrible at casual sex. I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.
Nick You don't even know what that is.
No, sir, I do not know what that is. I panicked. Help me.
Nick Look, you can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl.
I deserve to have a shorty on the side.
Nick Okay, a shorty is not... That's the wrong use of "shorty."
[imitating Steve Urkel] "Did I do that?"
I'm sorry, did you just say you were working on that?
Nick Urkel?
Nick Urkel, Jess?
Nick Okay, look, it is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.
SW Schmidt and Winston
No, it's not.
Nick But Urkel?!
Nick Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.
[about the new hipster neighbors] They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity: a panethnic, pansexual hivemind, and they want nothing to do with me.
They're not that great, Schmidt. Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.
Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.
Nick Chaz is with Fife; Brorie's with, uh... the other broad.
Actually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.
They're polyamorous?! Damn it!
When I hear all the stuff about Cece's profession, like the dieting, it's crazy. And the butt drinking and the...
Nick Did you say "butt drinking"?
Nick You can't just say "butt drinking" and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.
[about Jess's costume] I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen.
Nick Yeah.
[imitating Woody Allen] "These brains are terrible. And such— such small portions."
Nick [imitating Woody Allen] "On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open."
[imitating Woody Allen] "Zombie... Cristina... Barcelona ."
Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.
[Jess and Nick bump into each other as they come out of their respective bedrooms]
[whispering] Sam's in there.
Nick [whispering] Yeah, Amelia's in there. High five for sluts!
Nick Just update your résumé, you ninny.
Nick Yeah, I called you a ninny, 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!
Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!
Nick Ah! Why would you... Yucky!
No, no, no. I don't wanna hear it.
It hurts, I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I wanna murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
You know what? I feel the same way.
Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't wanna hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!
Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.
Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.
Nick Sympathy PMS? What's that?
No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.
[Jess enlists Nick and Cece to help her get her divorced parents back together]
Nick I'm not doing a parent trap.
Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. I think this could really make them happy. They need us. Here's the plan: we're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.
Nick Your parent trap—there's no identical twins or mistaken identity. Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.
The only thing you have to do is distract my dad.
Nick A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. I feel like you're just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap; they don't work.
Why do you have to ruin everything, Nick?
Nick I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things. [small pause] Let's do this parent trap.
M Melissa
I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97.
Nick I am so uncomfortable.
S Sadie
But it gets better with age. It's like the vagina Helen Mirren.
Nick Oh, boy.
Nick Uh, this is where you work. You the ticket-taker?
A Angie
No, I'm a stripper.
Nick Yeah, but... but what is it that you do here?
Nick Because college is so expensive these days...
Nick But, only topless...
You're dating a stripper, I'm dating a tall, handsome doctor. We're both kind of living the dream.
Nick We're not "dating." What Angie and I have together is pure anarchy in, like, a sexy, cool way.
[Jess and Nick go to the house of a student in Jess' creative writing class that Nick thinks is a psychotic killer]
Nick If Pepperwood taught me anything—
Nick Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with "apricot."
That's way too normal. We need to, like, go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."
Nick What?
I use "apricot" too much in my normal life.
Nick Why do you use "apricot" so much?
What am I supposed to call them—"sweet tangy balls"?
Nick Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.
Nick [wearing a woman's coat that was accidentally delivered to their apartment] This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.
And it has room for your hips.
Nick And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."
Nick My coat makes me say things like that!
Nick Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4-proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.
Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged.
Now, I know you're down about it.
Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanna see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me!
‹ Previous Page 2 of 3
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
New Girl · 119 quotes
Nick
