NCIS · Season 2
(whispering) What are you doing?!
Uh... listening.
That is just wrong.
Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]
Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.
You... you were never an officer?
Ah, hell no!
I knew there was something I liked about you.
[to Tony] What do you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!
It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps?
Since I met Gibbs.
You conned me, Gunny.
Nah. Would I do that to you?
You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?
Iwo Jima, no.
[wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...
Guadalcanal.
[takes Kate aside] Corporal Ernest Yost. Dig up his SRB.
Got a Social Security number?
They didn't use them for serial numbers when he served.
So how am I supposed to get his SRB without a serial number.
Well, Kate, you can ask him.
Gibbs, I doubt that he could remember his--
Corporal Yost!
Yo!
Serial number!
330090, sir!
Or you could just look him up under Medal of Honor recipients...
[Kate looks at Yost astounded, obviously seeing him in a new light.]
You don't win the Medal of Honor, Kate, you're awarded it for conspicuous gallantry above and beyond the call of duty.
This weapon is circa early 1940s.
Year or two before I joined the Corps. [smiles at Abby]
[Commander Faith Coleman is furious to find out that Yost is not in the NCIS building. Unknown to her, Gibbs had Tony secretly take Yost home.]
Please don't insult me by telling me he escaped.
The older they are, the sneakier they are!
Yost complained of a weak bladder. He had to use the restroom every ten minutes. We gave up escorting him and one time he just didn't come back.
Found a window open. He must've shimmied down that drain pipe.
[sarcastically] Ah, I'd liked to have seen that.
We think the weak bladder was a trick to get us to let down our guard.
We're sick about it, Commander.
Yes I can see that you all look absolutely devastated.
I put out an APB. Airports, train stations, taxi cabs...walker rentals...
Look at him, Commander, in agony over something he didn't do.
How do you know?
[looks at Cdr Coleman] Ever been in combat?
No.
The only one you depend on is the buddy next to you. He's closer to you than your brother. Why would you smash his head in?
God only knows.
Well, he had better tell me 'cause I don't understand and neither does Yost.
So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Is that a band?
Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Don't waste my time, Abbs.
If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Doubt it...
I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Yeah? I bet you won't.
She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.
You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Really? You, a doctor?
Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
[laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Of course you did, Probie.
[to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
[in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Abby! You made me almost...
[smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?
Uh, Doctor?
Yes?
Does it help you to talk to [the dead bodies]?
They're still human. What we do is very invasive and impersonal. It helps me establish a relationship.
Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.
Or it just means he's never been caught.
[resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.
[referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?
No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
