Tony: What do you mean the security camera's not working?
McGee: I told you, Tony, the system's down all over the hotel. It has been for days.
Tony: Isn't that illegal?!
Gibbs: Same M.O.: no fingerprints, the place has been wiped clean.
Tony: How could she just walk out of here and nobody notices?
EJ: Tony.
Tony: Sorry.
EJ: We're all worried about Ziva.
Tony: I know. It's just different for some of us.
(EJ stares at him)

Tony: You can't drown in a stream, Jeffery. You can get wet, you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!

Tony: You can't tell me Midge didn't like me because I'm not a woman.
Ziva: Let it go, Tony. Midge liked you just fine, she just thought you were occasionally annoying.
Tony: Annoying? That's almost worse.
McGee: You're more like high maintenance. You know, always switching from the hip holster to the shoulder to the ankle.
Ziva: Changing from the Glock 17 to the 23 and then back again.
Tony: You know, what's high maintenance about that? I like a certain holster. I like a certain gun.

Tony: You ever been married, doc?
Dr. Talridge: Twice, but never at the same time.

Tony: You failed your polygraph! That's not good.
McGee: No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.
Tony: Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't make the mistake of coming out, did you?
McGee: I don't have anything to come out about.
Tony: Stick to that story, McQueen.

Tony: You know, one of these days I'd like to actually meet someone who appreciates movies the way I do, or at least appreciates the way I appreciate them.
EJ: She does, Tony.
Tony: Who?
EJ: Ziva.
Tony: [laughs] Agent Ziva David believes that Pirates of the Caribbean is a cinema classic.
EJ: I'm not talking about movies, Tony. I'm talking about you. She cares.
Tony: What's the matter with you? We're co-workers.
EJ: Yeah?
Tony: We're teammates.
EJ: Uh-huh.
Tony: We have each other's back.
EJ: Exactly.
Tony: Huh. Surround yourself with people you would give your own life for.

Tony: You redecorating?
Abby: I thought I'd brighten the place up a bit.
Tony: You take these?
Abby: Yeah, that's a cross section of what a 12 gauge did to an L3 to L5.
Tony: Shotgun-shattered backbone?
Abby: Ya, the middle one there is a cross section of an icepick to a cerebellum.
Tony: [grimaces, then looks at another picture] Duodenum?
Abby: Yeah; I like to call it "Duodenum with a lye chaser". It's a sad end of a Drano drinker.
Tony: You need to get out more, Abby.
Abby: Is that an invite?

Tony: You should cut yourself some slack, EJ. What's the saying? That which does not kills us makes us stronger. I think Nietzsche said that. The thing to remember about Friedrich Nietzsche, of course, is that he died in an insane asylum. That's probably not the best way to start a pep-talk, huh?

Tony: You want to learn about being a real man, McGee, you've got to study the Japanese samurai. These guys are like Gibbs, with even bigger stones and less to say.
McGee: Is that even possible?

Tony: You're annoying!
McGee: You're juvenile!

Tony: You're welcome.
(Tony, McGee and Nick Miller decide to go to GameStop)

Tony:Boss local leos outside say there's a woman outside who claims to be the victims doctor.
Gibbs:Let her in.
Tony:Doctor Kates sister.

Ulman:[while he is holding a knife to Ziva's throat] I don't make bargains.
Tony: Do you make pizza?

Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony/Ziva: No./Yes.
Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Tony/Ziva: Yes./No.
Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony/Ziva: [together] Gibbs.
Vance: Well, you finally got your story straight.
Season 6

Vance: How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart ass attitude back in DC!
Gibbs: You shoulda checked his bags.
Vance: I thought you said your boy was up to this.
Gibbs: You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own way.
Vance: You call this a fight, he better start showing me something.
Gibbs: Take him off the team, he already has.
(Cut back to Eli and Tony)