Vance: Whaddaya say David? Wanna go a few rounds?
Ziva: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
Vance: Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.
Issac: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Ziva: Another time.
Vance: Just say when.

Vance: Eli's here already, isn't he?
Gibbs: You knew he'd come.
Vance: You dangle the right bait you can catch any game. The Palestinians are following the same logic.
Gibbs: Chasing Eli.
Vance: That was unexpected. We've got to find him first, then we need to get on Eli's protection detail. I know he's going to make it miserable for us.
Gibbs: Got McGee babysitting him at a safehouse. We're running drills to secure the hotel.
Vance: Good. How's our own David handling it?
Gibbs: Her father left her to die in a desert.
Vance: So it's a problem.
Gibbs: Would be for me. Won't be for Ziva.

Vance: Good morning, Mr. Secretary.
Davenport: Like hell it is, Leon. This better be damn important!
Gibbs: Agent's dead. Another critical. I don't know how much more important it can get.

Vivian: I'm sorry, I almost blew it.
Gibbs: [disapprovingly] Almost?
Tony: I still like you.
Season 1

Wendy: I lied to you, Tony.
Tony: About?
Wendy: Why I invited you to lunch. You were wrong. I was not trying to get information for a story. I invited you because I wanted to see you. Your turn.
Tony: Why?
Wendy: Uh, because we're taking turns and now it's your turn.
Tony: No. That is not what I meant and you know it.
Wendy: You want to know why I left.
Tony: I want to know why you said yes to me when the answer was really no. I want to know why you waited until the very last moment to tell me the truth. But most of all, my runaway bride, I would like to know why.
Wendy: Would it make a difference now? If you weren't so sad and so lonely you wouldn't even be wondering.
Tony: [laughs] Sad and lonely? You have me confused with Bosco. You like to see my little black e-book?
Wendy: Show me whatever you like, but it's not going to change what I see with my own eyes. You should tell her how you feel, whoever she is.
Tony: A) That's never going to happen, B) get out of my head, and C) answer the question.
Wendy: I left because I wasn't read to meet "the one", okay? And you were the one.
Tony: That doesn't make any sense.
Wendy: Are you sure? Because from I see you've spent the last nine years avoiding relationships. I was just broken first, which is why I left my hero cop to marry a stockbroker who cared more about money than people. I wasn't read to meet the one when we met, Tony, but I sent you that invitation because I am now.

Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.
Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Willy: Have you shot anybody?
Tony: Not this week.

Witness 1: It's gnarly, dude.
Witness 2: Yeah, for real.
Gibbs: Words, use 'em. Helpful words.
Witness 2: We were sleeping in our van, yo, right. We heard bam, bam, boom, boom, crack, crack.
Witness 1: Gunshots, dude. That's what I said. I was like, dude, gunshots. [turns to look at friend] Right?
Ziva: So you're saying there were six gunshots?
Witness 1: No, two gunshots. But there was like an echo and he was like, dude don't look and I was like dude were looking.
Witness 2: Yeah, and then, then we like peeked through the windows and we saw two dudes drive off in a black Lincoln.
Gibbs: Two? You sure there's two, it wasn't an echo?
Witness 1: Yep, two dudes.
Witness 2: Two dudes.

Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...
[Abby raises her hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!
[everyone mutters no]
Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like, every time?
Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.
Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in suprise.]
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]
Tony: ...No. Just wondering, that's all.
[Palmer raises his hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...
Woman: That is inappropriate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead?
Woman: [sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!
Palmer: Well, I work in autopsy...

Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.
Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...
Yoshida: Guadalcanal.

Yost: [to Tony] What do you know? You weren't even a gleam in your old man's eye!

Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called a scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps?
Tony: Since I met Gibbs.

Ziva / McGee: What're you doing here?
Ziva: I asked first.
McGee: Well technically, Ziva, I think that if we were to put that to the test you'd find that it was too close to call. But, since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I was defragging my computers.
Ziva: Liar.

Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.

Ziva: [at the copy machine] Die, you stupid machine!
McGee: She seems unfazed.
Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy machine assault tactics, McGee. She's fine.