Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?
Ziva: You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.
Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)
Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

Tony: Something just touched my foot. Something's under the couch!
McGee: Maybe it's the, uh, crime scene fairy, Tony.
Tony: I hate Halloween

Tony: Sorry, I'm just --
McGee: Really pensive.
Tony: Confused.
McGee: Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?
Tony: [scoffs] What are you talking about?
McGee: Lipstick. It's not your color.
Tony: [looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.
McGee: So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.
Tony: The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.
McGee: That bad?
Tony: NTSB is still looking for bodies.
McGee: What happened?
Tony: That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.

Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.
Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.
McGee: I used to work at a bank.
Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony: Taking the tour?
Ziva: I have my first psych evaluation.
Tony: Oh, yeah. I always loved those.
Ziva: I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs] I'm sorry, that --
Tony: No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva looks away] Sorry.

Tony: That horse likes you!
McGee: This isn't funny, Tony.
Tony: Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!
McGee: I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?
Tony: And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.
McGee: I've actually been working, unlike some people!
Gibbs: Certain people here are working.
McGee: Of course, boss.

Tony: That's --
Abby: Uh-huh!
McGee: It's no longer in --
Abby: Nuh-uh!
Ziva: This is Gibbs' boat.
Abby: This is the crime scene! It was flown here on a C130 cargo plane along with two bodies and all the evidence, and now it is mine. It is all mine! So I can figure out the mystery!
McGee: What mystery? Who the dead guys were?
Ziva: Or who killed them.
Tony: Or how they ended up on the boat.
Abby: Sure, you guys should work on that! While I figure out how he got it out of the basement!

Tony: There's something I haven't told you, yet.
Ulman: What is that?
Tony: I've told you about the brains. I've told you about the guts. I've told you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.
Ulman: Which is?
Tony: I'm the wildcard. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right, but I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. You know, where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot full of truth serum. He picks his cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem.
Ulman: [sneers] You're still bound. You're lying.
Tony: I can't lie. And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?
[Ulman looks to the window in horror; a shot rings out and he falls to the floor, clearly dead. Crash zoom through the cell window to a sand dune hundreds of yards away, atop of which lies Gibbs in full camo with his sniper rifle.]
Gibbs: [into radio] Go.

Tony: Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Nick: 'Sup dude.
McGee: Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony: Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Ziva: Who is Mrs Miller?
Tony: It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
Ziva: Oh.
McGee: It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
Nick: Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony: Yeah dude.
McGee: (To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
Nick: You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
McGee: Not every night.
Nick: Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)

Tony: Trust me, this woman could get Gibbs into a leotard if she wanted to.
Gibbs: Not likely, in this lifetime, Dinozzo.
Tony: No, boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.

Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.

Tony: Wait a minute. You're saying the widow and the stud diver, they... they did it together? [turns to Ziva] Ziva'd you hear that?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: Yes what?
Ziva: Yes, I heard the wife did it, Tony! Okay, yes, you are a genius!
Borin: Okay, question, where would you hide a lot of money if you were afraid your house could be ceased?
Tony: [slaps the table] Not in my house!

Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
McGee: Or die trying!
Tony: [with a horrified look at McGee] Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?

Tony: We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
McGee: He had me at "howdy."

Tony: Well, you're off on your own, Ziva. I'm already enlightened. I know exactly where I am. It may not be pretty, but I am DiNozzo. Hear me roar.
Ziva: Like an elephant.