Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Tony

I don't like Bayar's line of work but I'll tell ya, he's got great taste in women. She is smokin'!

Ziva

Obviously a professional woman, Tony. You think the Aston Martin was expensive, a month of your salary might buy you an hour of her time.

Tony

[grins widely] Au contraire, mon Ziva.

Ziva

[On the stairs above the bullpen holding her cellphone, whispering loudly] Hey McGee, Vance isn't here either.

McGee

Uh, doesn't his son have a soccer game in Alexandria?

Ziva

No that is next week. Tony's ignoring my phone calls, and it is very unlike Gibbs to just disappear like this. [whispering loudly] Something is going on!

McGee

Actually, I think Tony said something about being on SECNAV's PSD today.

Ziva

That's probably a cover. I think they must be at some kind of..."Man Day". [McGee looks confused] You know, when men take a day to do "man" things together?

McGee

Really?

Ziva

Just because I am a woman, they do not have the courtesy to tell me where they are going, and when they are coming back!

McGee

[pauses] I'm a man!

Ziva

That's right! Which makes this even worse. [angrily dials her phone] I'm gonna call Tony again!

McGee

[he and Ziva tail Tony] Hey, where have you been? We've been calling. What's going on?

Ziva

Man Day is over and he's still ignoring us. [follows Tony] I'm not going to be ignored!

Tony

Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction. It's a good one, Ziva. Your impression of a hot lady with crazy eyes is dead on, by the way. You are a, uh, sphinx of a minx. Game on, fellas, just like we planned it.

Ziva

Tony, do not try to talk your way out of this by calling me hot.

McGee

He also called you crazy, Ziva.

Ziva

I will unleash crazy on him if he does not apologize for leaving me out of the loop.

Ziva

I'm telling you, I saw bounce in his step and Elliott was sure about Ryan's pupils as well.

Tony

How am I gonna survive Gibbs dating a woman who thinks I'm a game show host? What does it even mean? Does she think I am cheesy, that I like pencil-thin microphones?

Ziva

Are you sure this is the place?

Tony

You know what happens if you don't trust the authority of McMaps! All right.

Tony

[whispers to Ziva] Be like Silence of the Lambs meets Scooby Doo.

Ziva

[opens van door] Freeze! Hands up!

Do I look like I'm running?

Tony

Amanda Baylor, you have the right....to take a bath! You smell like a wild goat!

I've been busy.

Ziva

Too busy for personal hygiene?

When I'm focused, I'm focused.

Tony

[to Ziva] Well, McGee likes 'em gamey, but I'm not sure he'll go for this one.

Ohh, I clean up nice.

Tony

Why don't you put the computer down and step out here. Let's go, Animal Kingdom, c'mon. [Amanda steps out of van]

Ziva

So, who are you working with?

Ummm, I don't know.

Tony

Well, we know some stuff about the blackmail and about the AUTEC account.

Ziva

We also know that you are in cahoots with someone inside Wickes Steel.

Ummm...

Tony

Did you just use the word cahoots?

Ziva

I did.

Tony

Nice.

Alright, somebody hired me through Wilkes, but, uh, I don't have a name. Didn't want one.

Ziva

Was it Ridgeway? Did you kill him?

I don't kill people, I hack! I really haven't left the van.

Tony

No kidding. Next time, hacker, why don't you crack a window?

Tony

Uhh no, Vance nailed you with the shredding detail, huh?

Ziva

Yes, from redacted, to unredacted, to recycling to... Tony, I have a question. Do you believe?

Tony

Believe in what?

Ziva

Uhh, well unexplained things, secrets, occurrences that we're really not supposed to talk about.

Tony

Uhhh. I believe that there are moments, experiences that someone like McGee with his trusty computer couldn't justify.

Ziva

When Gibbs left tonight, I thought I saw it again.

Tony

Saw what?

Ziva

The bounce.

Tony

I've been thinking about that. Boss don't bounce.

Ziva

You cannot expect a person to keep things bottled up inside forever. Can you? [they look at each other]

Palmer

Excuse me, my friends, if I may have your attention please.

McGee

Looks like you're about to burst into song, Jimmy.

Palmer

Nah, it's much better than that.

Ziva

Why the coat on such a lovely day?

Tony

Holy full frontal, Autopsy Gremlin. Are you about to flash us your "Magic Johnson"?

Palmer

Even better.

Ducky

[without looking up at Tony and Ziva] What have we here, Jethro?

Ziva

What we have here is no Jethro.

Ducky

[looks up in surprise] What??

Ziva

He's actually running late.

Ducky

Ohhh. [laughs] Here's a first.

Tony

[looks at Palmer, who's still in his tux] Sort of like wearing fuchsia and lime green to a crime scene.

Palmer

[embarrassed] I didn't have time to change.

Ducky

Perhaps those colors will raise the dead, Mr Palmer.

Palmer

Poor guy. He looks like a pretzel.

Tony

An a-salted pretzel?

Ziva

He and Jimmy are both highly intelligent and conscientious and...

Tony

Dull. [McGee looks at him] Are you kidding me? McGee's idea of an incredible party is a bunch of free corn nuts and an Xbox marathon.

Ziva

Agent Lisson is all the help I need. We work like peas in a poke, like yogurt and garlic, like-- [Gibbs gives her a funny look]

McGee

There's pigs in a poke and peas in a pod but..

Tony

Yogurt and garlic??

Ziva

It's a Middle Eastern staple.

Tony

[sarcastically] Which I'm sure we're gonna find in all the best Colombian restaurants. [Gibbs laughs]

Tony

Andiamo, bambina!

Ziva

Dove?

Tony

Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.

Ziva

[giggles] Naples, Italy?

Tony

Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.

Ziva

Is this one of your practical jokes?

Tony

Nope, Gibbs orders.

Tony

I'm telling you, Ryan was there.

Ziva

So what if she was? I was happy to gossip when things were just getting started, but now that they are a couple I think we should just back off.

Tony

How are you not interested in other people's private lives?

Tony

Please, who really likes weddings anyway?

Ziva

There's nothing good about them.

Tony

Weird uncles making inappropriate toasts.

Ziva

Rubbery chicken enhanced by cheap wine.

Tony

Cheesy music and children. Rental tuxedos.

Ziva

The bouquet, the garter, the cake --

Tony

The fittings.

Ziva

The fittings. The fittings! We're not even to the actual ceremony yet.

Tony

The vows.

Ziva

The ring.

Tony

The kiss.

Ziva

The ketubah.

Tony

I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all of that.

Ziva

Elope?

Gibbs

Yeah, well, it worked for me.

Tony

[after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.

Ziva

No, I'm not going without you!

Tony

[holding Ziva up on his shoulders as she bangs on the escape hatch] I'm so glad we broke protocol and took the elevator. Who's bright idea was that anyway?

Ziva

What?

Tony

Xenia Onatopp, the Bond villain from Goldeneye. Famke Janssen. She would kill men by squeezing her well shaped, muscular thighs. [cringes as Ziva squeezes his neck]

Ziva

I could think of worse ways to die. [pushes on hatch] I am almost there! We're stuck!

Tony

Keep pushing, thigh master. I'm starting to enjoy this.

Ziva

Something is blocking it. It is jammed. They're going to have to open it from the outside. [slides down Tony's back as the elevator shifts] We slipped.

Tony

Did we? I thought the earth moved.

Ziva

You're sweating.

Tony

It's hot in here.

Ziva

I had not noticed.

Tony

Really?