Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Ziva

This is the only path that will lead me back to Tony. Back to my Tali. I will find Sahar and I will kill her.

Ziva

Do not count your crocodiles before they hatch.

Tony

How long have you known I was --

Ziva

Following me? Since I left the Navy Yard.

Tony

I don't think so.

Ziva

Blue sedan. You laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van. You lost me at the traffic circle on --

Tony

Okay, okay. You knew.

Ziva

[handing him a cup of coffee] Take it. It's chilly out here. You shouldn't feel bad. I was trained by the best.

Tony

You know, that's what I like about Mossad.

Ziva

Our training?

Tony

Modesty.

Tony

[after Ziva tells him about her sister's death] Is that why you joined Mossad?

Ziva

I was Mossad long before Tali's death. Old...

Tony

Family tradition?

Ziva

Israeli sense of duty.

Tony

So come on. Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?

Ziva

Aunt. Sister. Lesbian lover.

Ziva

I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. [muttered] I feel like a donkey's butt.

McGee

A donkey's butt?

Tony

I think she means horse's ass.

Ziva

Yes, that too.

Ziva

You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... no, thats not the word... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the little spikies!?

McGee

Porcupine?

Ziva

'Porcupine'! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Tony

You want something to read?

Ziva

What do you have?

Tony

[pulls out a magazine] GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.

Ziva

[pulls out same magazine in Hebrew] I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.

Tony

[checks his copy] I-I always thought that was an urban legend.

Gibbs

While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.

Ziva

You're kidding, right?

Gibbs

And your back-up.

Ziva

What back-up?

Gibbs

Left leg.

Ziva

Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]

Gibbs

And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.

Gibbs

I trust you, you know that, but when we leave this elevator..

Ziva

You start kicking my butt.

Gibbs

I don't kick butt. (turns elevator back on and head slaps Ziva, they both laugh)

Gibbs

You're coming along, strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.

Ziva

Is that really necessary? Alright.

Gibbs

And your back-up.

Ziva

What back-up?

Gibbs

Left leg.

Ziva

Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]

Gibbs

And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] You keep this. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.

Ziva

(facing the monitor) A marine dressed in civil war uniform is shot by a musket and is then buried alive in a 230 year old casket (turns to face to Tony and McGee who are stuffing their faces) and you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?

Tony

(with his mouth full) Yep!

McGee

(with his mouth full) Pretty much!

Ziva

I don't know which is more disturbing! Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you!

Tony

I'm sorry! Do our strange American foods frighten you?

McGee

(laughs)

Ziva

Not at all, I was referring to your manners! You should have bought me one! (leans over and takes a bit of Tony's wrap) Mm!

McGee

(hurriedly) I'm gonna go help Abby!

Tony

(passes his wrap to her and spits out his unswallowed mouthful)

Jenny

She seems to be fitting in well.

Gibbs

She almost killed my entire team yesterday.

Jenny

How?

Gibbs

Driving home from a crime scene.

Jenny

I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.

Ziva

Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?

Gibbs

About fifty of them.

Ziva

And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--

Gibbs

No.

Ziva

Then how am I supposed to--

Gibbs

My job is to teach them to you!

Tony

[gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?

Ziva

Another ugly shirt?

Tony

This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!

McGee

That's great.

Tony

Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"

Ziva

Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.

Tony

Hike. The expression is taking a hike.

McGee

She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”

Ziva

I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.

Tony

Check book.

Ziva

Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.

Tony

Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.

Ziva

I think it's the-

Tony

Shh!

Tony

It's a...

Ziva

It's a marmoset.

McGee

Actually, that's a capuchin.

Abby

I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?

Gibbs

Not a clue.

Abby

Neither do I.

Abby

Are you going home?

Ziva

Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.

Abby

[scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?

Ziva

No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.

Abby

[softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.