Ziva David quotes from NCIS

McGee

What was that for?

Tony

Believing I was dead.

McGee

Hey, I never believed that you were dead. Ziva was the one that gave up on you.

Ziva

Don't even think about the headslap.

Abby

Tony! I knew you'd be alright, I knew it! Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva!

Ziva

OK, so I may have acted a little... hastily.

Tony

That's my letter opener!

Ziva

Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I have always admired it.

Tony

(checks his desk) Where's my American Pie coffee mug?

Abby

Palmer.

Tony

Mighty Mouse stapler?

Abby

Ducky. (looks over his shoulder) Hey, Ducky!

Ducky

My dear fellow... I never believed it for a moment!

Tony

You ever lie to someone you love, Ziva?

Ziva

Yes.

Tony

They ever forgive you?

Ziva

They never found out.

Tony

Mine found out.

Ziva

I'm just being curious.

McGee

About when I lost my virginity.

Ziva

No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity but if you lost it.

Ziva

[Seeing Tony working at his desk] What's wrong with this picture?

McGee

You mean, beside Tony being here before us? And actually working?

Tony

I can hear you, you know.

Ziva

I am here if you'd like to talk.

Tony

About what?

Ziva

I know how much you cared about her.

Tony

I'm fine, Ziva.

Ziva

All right. But I thought maybe you'd need a little cheering up.

Tony

If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.

McGee

You put superglue on my keyboard!

Tony

You know, I saw this on Cinemax once.

Ziva

So what happens now?

Tony

They play some funky music and you say, "I have been watching you from afar."

Ziva

Well, I've been watching you from afar, Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.

Tony

Oh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.

Ziva

And how much it hurt when she left. So, what happens now?

Tony

I said I'm fine.

Ziva

You are not fine. You are still deeply troubled.

Tony

Even if I was, this bothers you because...?

Ziva

Because you are my partner. And because you made a grave error in judgment falling in love with that girl.

Tony

If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-minus.

Ziva

And right now, it is very clear you are still hanging onto her.

Tony

I see the confusion. These are called "feelings," Ziva.

Ziva

Feelings you need to let go.

Tony

That easy, huh?

Ziva

Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time, to leave your entire life behind for her? You did not think this through.

Tony

Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?

Ziva

No. Actually, I didn't.

Tony

Well, it does.

Ziva

Well, it shouldn't.

Tony

Really. This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking.

Ziva

You crossed the line, Tony.

Tony

Oh, I crossed the line?

Gibbs

Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?

Tony

Hey! She followed me in there!

Ziva

Only because you wouldn't talk to me!

Tony

[Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.

Tony

Interrogation got a little out of hand. I had to---

Tony

I can't explain that. [Man at urinal grunts at the sight of Ziva, zips, and flushes urinal]

Ziva

Hello. [Glances at the man leaving the men's room] Again.

Tony

Crash and burn, only a matter of time.

Ziva

What?

Tony

Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.

Ziva

Could last a lifetime.

Tony

Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...

Ziva

A whom?

Tony

Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.

Ziva

A what, then?

Tony

What then? Uh... what? What...

Ziva

I'm still just a what?

A girl.

Tony

Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?

Ziva

Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!

McGee

Dead Marine.

Ziva

Army base.

Tony

Her rock smashes his scissors, which puts the Colonel on top.

You work for me on this one Jethro. It's my army base, my crime scene.

Gibbs

And my people, my office.

They know we're still seeing each other?

McGee

She--

Ziva

Still on top?

McGee

Seeing Gibbs.

Tony

Same thing. But an excellent question nonetheless, Probie.

Ziva

Did you get her number?

Tony

Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva

I did.

Ziva

[chuckles] Aw, not bad....

McGee

Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.

Ziva

Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.

McGee

He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...

Ziva

[chuckles]

Tony

Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.

Ziva

[gives him a stare] Not me.

Tony

Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?

McGee

Looking at animal rescue sites.

Ziva

McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.

Tony

Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...

McGee

Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...

Ziva

[exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]

Tony

Might be easier getting a girlfriend.

Ziva

[gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.

McGee

Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.

Tony

I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.

McGee

Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.

Ziva

[looks confused] Are you getting a pony?

Tony

It's an adage.

Ziva

I am not familiar with that breed.

Tony

Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.

Tony

So, what's the favorite?

Ziva

[annoyed] The Pit Bull.

Tony

Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?

The boss looks mad.

Ziva

He's going to chew you up.

Tony

Out. "Chew you out." Or maybe not. Maybe he's one of those silent killer types.