Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Tony

[watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Brought to you by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as usual, the FBI, and the elusive Kamal Konkani.

Gibbs

Freeze it.

Tony

[British accent] The Dread Pirate Roberts, I presume.

Ziva

[mimicking his accent] Did you get her number?

Tony

Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva

I did.

Ziva

Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?

Tony

What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]

Ducky

You were right, Ziva. There is someone on board.

Ziva

Not him. There's someone alive. I can feel it.

Tony

A lion-headed dragon goat?

Ziva

Maybe.

Ziva

She knew.

McGee

Reads Gibbs like a book.

Tony

Short read, not a lot of dialogue.

Ziva

Your kind of book.

Tony

Are you suggesting I don't read?

McGee

I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.

Tony

Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.

Ziva

Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.

Ziva

Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?

Tony

He's a man.

Ziva

What does she have that he does not?

Tony

A bed.

Ziva

[on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--

Tony

Personal call, David?

Ziva

Yes. Go away!

Tony

Somebody being dumped?

Ziva

Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?

Tony

Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.

Ziva

That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.

Tony

Why didn't you stop me?

Ziva

Too stunned.

Tony

Where do I send flowers?

Ziva

If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Tony

[after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.

McGee

Explains a lot.

Tony

Is this side of my head bigger?

Ziva

Yes. But so is the other side.

Ziva

You're xenophobic.

Tony

No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Ziva

Do you ever think about soulmates?

Tony

They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.

Ziva

You'll never get it.

Ziva

I'm driving.

Tony

I'm dead.

Ziva

I'm a trained navigator, Tony.

Tony

Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.

Ziva

I'm also a trained assassin.

Tony

God! Oh, God, these are new boots!

Ziva

This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!

Tony

The only sight I see is your big black...

Ziva

Hey!

Tony

Backpack! Walking faster!

Ziva

I'm driving.

Tony

I'm dead.

Tony

[after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?

McGee

It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.

Ziva

Maybe Ziva will do what?

Tony

I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.

Ziva

You and Abby have been drinking?

Tony

No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.

McGee

To match your head.