Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Ziva

My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Sean Oliver was protecting was...

Gibbs

Sean Oliver.

Ziva

Tony and McGee are picking her up.

Gibbs

Not bad, Officer David.

Ziva

Well, I do what I can.

Gibbs

When you see the director, thank her for me.

[Looking through two-way mirror at Sean Oliver sitting in the interrogation room] Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?

Gibbs

Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.

I've been a Navy wife for close to twenty years, Agent Gibbs. NCIS agents don't investigate mix-ups. At least not agents as old as you.

Gibbs

[chuckles] We have a new director, ma'am. A female director. Let's just say I'm not as politically correct as some of the younger agents.

What did you do to piss her off?

Gibbs

Well, if she was more like you then I wouldn't be sent out here to do a probie's job.

Abby

There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?

Gibbs

What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?

Ziva

Ow! What was that for?!

Gibbs

Alerting DiNozzo.

Gibbs

You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.

Abby

Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.

Gibbs

[After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to an explosion] Not an accident.

Abby

Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.

Tony

That wasn't the way it looked, boss.

Gibbs

I know. I know.

Tony

The director kinda suckered me into that deal.

Gibbs

Ziva caved first.

Ziva

I didn't cave in! I was trying --

Gibbs

McGee next.

McGee

It wasn't --

Gibbs

And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.

Tony

Well I --

Gibbs

Probably all of 30 seconds.

We left the van unattended for four, maybe five minutes tops.

As soon at Patto hit the breaks...

The whole thing exploded into flames.

I think someone's trying to kill us.

Would you please stop that, J.B.? It was, it was an accident.

Gibbs

Who's trying to kill you?

Who knows? There's a lot of weirdos out there.

Gibbs

Tell me about it.

Ducky

Survived IEDs in Iraq, RPGs in Afghanistan. Unfortunately the local Odocoileus virginianus was too much to bear.

Palmer

That's a white-tailed...

Gibbs

Deer, yeah I know. Are you saying Bambi killed this Marine, Ducky?

Ducky

No. But swerving at 60 miles an hour into a tree to avoid Bambi did.

Abby

Can I get a drumroll?

Gibbs

[Pauses for a few seconds] Ta-dah.

Ziva

We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.

Tony

How do you fail an autopsy?

Ziva

By doing that. What happens if you fail here?

Gibbs

[Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.

Gibbs

[Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.

Ziva

Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --

Gibbs

We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]

I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.

Ziva

He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.

Tony

[from outside] I want to speak with Special Agent Gibbs.

Gibbs

Everybody's okay... Boss.

Tony

That's good to hear... Special Agent Gibbs.

Your agent says he's a negotiator.

Tony

Well, that's right. He's my best man.

Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.

Tony

He always had an attitude problem.

How much trouble am I in?

Gibbs

Trouble? Why would you say that?

Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?

Tony

You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.