Leroy Jethro Gibbs quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

Okay, you want me to help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number.

You're going to apologize?

Gibbs

No, ask her to dinner.

Tony

[catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?

Ziva

It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.

Tony

Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.

Ziva

We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!

Tony

Yeah, tell him, McGee.

McGee

Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.

Tony

Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.

McGee

That's not TV.

Tony

He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.

Ziva

[shocked]

McGee

It's an elf lord.

Tony

[laughing] Whatever.

Gibbs

Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!

McGee

Boss, I think I might have something.

Gibbs

...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Palmer

Well my friend who went to NYU said that this guy was the club king of New York. He was almost legendary.

Ducky

Well if he wasn't before he most certainly is now.

Palmer

And apparently he only eye up models and A-list celebrities. This guy got the VIP treatment everywhere he went.

Gibbs

You writing a gossip column Palmer?

Abby

[to Gibbs] Thank you, sir.

Gibbs

Don't call me sir.

Abby

Thank you, ma'am.

Abby

[to Gibbs] If I finish quickly maybe I can get back to Habitat for Humanity. I'm doing a bunch of wiring for them this weekend.

Gibbs

We'll see Abby.

Abby

Thank you, sir.

Gibbs

Don't call me sir.

Abby

Thank you, ma'am.

Gibbs

[about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.

Ziva

Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.

Gibbs

He could have worn gloves-

Abby

Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? As soon as I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.

Gibbs

Why?

Abby

For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]

Tony

So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?

Ziva

You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.

Tony

Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)

Gibbs

No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

Gibbs

Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...

Tony

You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.

Ziva

Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.

Gibbs

I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.

Tony

That's our boss.

Gibbs

Sensitivity training is gonna have to wait. Double homicide at Quantico. Marine wives. [to Tony, McGee and Ziva] Grab your gear!

Ziva

Yes!

Ziva

Inappropriate?

McGee

A bit.

Tony

That and you're probably the reasons why we have to take these stupid classes.

Gibbs

Today!

Tony

On your six Boss!

McGee

Uh, Boss...I'm sorry, I didn't see you....

Gibbs

What did I say about apologizing McGee?

McGee

Sign of weakness.

Gibbs

So is barfing on your tie.

Gibbs

A good investigator doesn't sit back and wait. You run down every angle, every lead. Assume everything you've been told is a lie until it checks out.

McGee

You got it.

Gibbs

There's only one time I want you to stop, McGee.

McGee

When you tell me.

Gibbs

When you're satisfied. [points to McGee] When you're satisfied.

McGee

Boss, did you find her?

Gibbs

Yeah McGee, she's hiding in my coffee cup.

Ziva

(About a bomb) Can you disarm it?

Gibbs

I had a couple days maybe, you?

Ziva

I could try, but I suggest not standing within five miles of here whilst I attempt it.

Ziva

[To DiNozzo] I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.

Gibbs

Only Naomi and I call him that!