Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Palmer

Excuse me, my friends, if I may have your attention please.

McGee

Looks like you're about to burst into song, Jimmy.

Palmer

Nah, it's much better than that.

Ziva

Why the coat on such a lovely day?

Tony

Holy full frontal, Autopsy Gremlin. Are you about to flash us your "Magic Johnson"?

Palmer

Even better.

Ducky

[without looking up at Tony and Ziva] What have we here, Jethro?

Ziva

What we have here is no Jethro.

Ducky

[looks up in surprise] What??

Ziva

He's actually running late.

Ducky

Ohhh. [laughs] Here's a first.

Tony

[looks at Palmer, who's still in his tux] Sort of like wearing fuchsia and lime green to a crime scene.

Palmer

[embarrassed] I didn't have time to change.

Ducky

Perhaps those colors will raise the dead, Mr Palmer.

Palmer

Poor guy. He looks like a pretzel.

Tony

An a-salted pretzel?

Ziva

He and Jimmy are both highly intelligent and conscientious and...

Tony

Dull. [McGee looks at him] Are you kidding me? McGee's idea of an incredible party is a bunch of free corn nuts and an Xbox marathon.

Ziva

Agent Lisson is all the help I need. We work like peas in a poke, like yogurt and garlic, like-- [Gibbs gives her a funny look]

McGee

There's pigs in a poke and peas in a pod but..

Tony

Yogurt and garlic??

Ziva

It's a Middle Eastern staple.

Tony

[sarcastically] Which I'm sure we're gonna find in all the best Colombian restaurants. [Gibbs laughs]

Tony

Andiamo, bambina!

Ziva

Dove?

Tony

Gear up! We're leaving for Naples.

Ziva

[giggles] Naples, Italy?

Tony

Si. I'm going home to grab some clothes. You should do the same. We're hopping the military flight from Andrews Air Force Base.

Ziva

Is this one of your practical jokes?

Tony

Nope, Gibbs orders.

Palmer

You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.

Tony

Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.

Palmer

God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.

McGee

Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.

Palmer

Hepatitis?

Tony

And get a good pair of knee pads.

McGee

And a good helmet.

Palmer

[laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.

Tony

Are we? Two words.

McGee

Abby Sciuto.

Tony

I'm telling you, Ryan was there.

Ziva

So what if she was? I was happy to gossip when things were just getting started, but now that they are a couple I think we should just back off.

Tony

How are you not interested in other people's private lives?

Tony

Please, who really likes weddings anyway?

Ziva

There's nothing good about them.

Tony

Weird uncles making inappropriate toasts.

Ziva

Rubbery chicken enhanced by cheap wine.

Tony

Cheesy music and children. Rental tuxedos.

Ziva

The bouquet, the garter, the cake --

Tony

The fittings.

Ziva

The fittings. The fittings! We're not even to the actual ceremony yet.

Tony

The vows.

Ziva

The ring.

Tony

The kiss.

Ziva

The ketubah.

Tony

I don't even know what I'd do if I had to deal with all of that.

Ziva

Elope?

Gibbs

Yeah, well, it worked for me.

Tony

[after having evacuated the Navy Yard] That's everybody. You go, Ziva.

Ziva

No, I'm not going without you!

Tony

[holding Ziva up on his shoulders as she bangs on the escape hatch] I'm so glad we broke protocol and took the elevator. Who's bright idea was that anyway?

Ziva

What?

Tony

Xenia Onatopp, the Bond villain from Goldeneye. Famke Janssen. She would kill men by squeezing her well shaped, muscular thighs. [cringes as Ziva squeezes his neck]

Ziva

I could think of worse ways to die. [pushes on hatch] I am almost there! We're stuck!

Tony

Keep pushing, thigh master. I'm starting to enjoy this.

Ziva

Something is blocking it. It is jammed. They're going to have to open it from the outside. [slides down Tony's back as the elevator shifts] We slipped.

Tony

Did we? I thought the earth moved.

Ziva

You're sweating.

Tony

It's hot in here.

Ziva

I had not noticed.

Tony

Really?

Tony

How much longer are we going to be stuck in here? Hello?! Anybody!

Ziva

It's been hours, Tony. I cannot take much more of this.

Tony

What's that supposed to mean? I suppose it is getting a little ripe in here.

Ziva

I'm not ripe! You, on the other hand, are pungent!

Tony

[sniffs himself and coughs] Well, it could be worse. You could be stuck in this tin can with Miguel from human resources.

Ziva

[laughs] He sweats more than anyone I've ever known.

Tony

How about Jeremy from office operations? That guy. He's always undressing you with his eyes. I mean, he's fun, but a little creepy.

Ziva

Hey, what if one of those men is dead?

Abby

[shoves the fireman out of the way] There you are!

Ziva

Abby, I've never been more happy to see your gorgeous face.

Abby

You guys must be ready to kill each other. I mean, I can't think of who I'd want to be stuck in an elevator with, except maybe Amelia Earhart, or Michelle Obama, or Joan of Arc, or the whole cast of Cirque du Soleil in case I got bored I could --

Abby!

Tony

You can't tell me Midge didn't like me because I'm not a woman.

Ziva

Let it go, Tony. Midge liked you just fine, she just thought you were occasionally annoying.

Tony

Annoying? That's almost worse.

McGee

You're more like high maintenance. You know, always switching from the hip holster to the shoulder to the ankle.

Ziva

Changing from the Glock 17 to the 23 and then back again.

Tony

You know, what's high maintenance about that? I like a certain holster. I like a certain gun.

Ziva

You've barely spoken since we left, brilliant chatterbox.

Tony

Not feeling so brilliant, I guess.

Ziva

Well, if it's any consolation, your friend Judy did not seem the least bit spoken for to me either.

Tony

Vance was right to yell. I'm off my game. I've lost my focus. It's like half my brain is still stuck in that elevator.

Ziva

The most remarkable thing about him was how unremarkable he was.

McGee

And whatever the motive for his murder is.

Gibbs

You got nothing.

Tony

Sounds worse when you say it like that.

Gibbs

Not worse. Wrong. We got something. Got a dead Marine [walks past Ziva, Tony and McGee, who all look uncomfortable]

Ziva

So you two did end up going out last night.

Tony

How did you know about that?

Ziva

I have hearing like a horse.

McGee

Hawk.

Ziva

A horse's hearing, McGee, is one of their keenest senses. Which is why you must "horsewhisper".