Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

That horse likes you!

McGee

This isn't funny, Tony.

Tony

Oh, poor McMounty. [affects Canadian accent] Hey, so have you seen any, like, moose and stuff up there? Hey, where's your buddy Claude. Isn't that your friendly St. Bernard with a little barrel of whiskey under his chin?!

McGee

I've been up here playing Dudley Do-Right for two weeks, all right? It's September and there's snow on the ground, could you at least give me a little compassion here?

Tony

And what would that be for? Did you forget to take off your toque when you entered a room? You're going to get in trouble up there, hanging with the bluenecks, throwing back a two-four of pale ale.

McGee

I've actually been working, unlike some people!

Gibbs

Certain people here are working.

McGee

Of course, boss.

Ziva

Hello, Tony. I'm back!

Tony

Well, hello, little miss Sunshine State, and don't you look balmy.

Ziva

I do not know what balmy means, but I would assume it is not good.

Tony

Just because I was alone, manning the fort, handling Gibbs solo, while you've been strolling around South Beach dancing to the rhythm of the night, why would I feel the need to say anything negative?

Ziva

Because you are you. Besides, I was working the entire time.

Tony

Ha!

Ziva

Ha what??

Tony

Are those tan lines?

Ziva

[coyly] Where do you think you're looking?

Tony

Does it matter?

Ziva

Well, actually, yes it does. And I can assure you, I do not have any tan lines.

Tony

Oh. So you did lay in the sun.

Ziva

Yes, I did, actually, this morning before my flight. And I came up with something case related prior to my departure.

Tony

[closes in eyes and inhales as Ziva stands next to his desk] You smell like ocean and shea butter.

McGee

[exiting the elevator] Ah, I missed these stained orange walls. God bless tacky American bureaucracy.

Tony

The prodigal probie returns.

McGee

You know, I realized something, Tony. You don't appreciate something until it's gone.

Tony

So you missed me, ay?

McGee

No, other things, like breakfast without beer.

Ziva

I thought that was the Irish.

Tony

Canadians, too.

McGee

You know, beer doesn't go well with either eggs or oatmeal. [looks at Ziva] Why are you so tan?

Ziva

Why are you so white?

McGee

I've always been like this.

Ziva

It becomes you.

McGee

You're lying.

Ziva

Through my teeth.

McGee

[speaking to three recruits while standing at his desk] Now, this is where the brain trust of the entire unit sits. Come on in. Come on in. Please, have a seat. You notice how I've angled my desk here to get a good vantage point of the entire team here. It's very important as an NCIS agent to stay aware.

Tony

[watching from his desk] What's going on here? Are we being replaced by younger models?

Ziva

I am a younger model.

Tony

If that was intended to hurt me, you have succeeded.

Ziva

And we are not being replaced. They are from Waverly University.

Tony

Oh, yeah, that's right. Director Vance's internship program. It's not a good idea. It feeds McGee's need to have groupies. [Ziva smiles]

McGee

Ziva, what's going on?

Ziva

Tony has been selected to be on the cover of the new NCIS recruiting brochure.

McGee

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Tony

Hey, check it out. Who's the new face of NCIS? You're looking at it, McEnvy. Get used to it.

McGee

There will be no living with him now.

Ziva

Now??

Ziva

Apologize.

Tony

For what?

Ziva

For being you.

Tony

Sweetheart, if I had a dollar for every time I'd done that, I'd be loaded.

Ziva

What?

Tony

I'm just watching the pheromones ooze from your body.

Ziva

I do not see anything.

Tony

That's because they're invisible. It's just a musky scent given off to attract the opposite sex.

Ziva

Now you're being ridiculous.

Tony

Oh, no. It's true. Think about it: first you had your little Miami vice, now Prince Albert in a can. Oh, they can't help it. You're just a walking Israeli love machine.

Ziva

[speaking of the British liaison officer to the U.S. Navy] He is charming.

Tony

What is it with chicks and Brits? Jagger, Bono, Beatles, Bond.

Ziva

I am not into bondage, I can assure you.

Tony

It's like looking for a needle in a haystack!

Ziva

Why would anyone leave a needle in a stack of hay anyway?

Tony

Oh, Lord.

Tony

Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash for a ticket to Glasgow.

It wasn't me.

Ziva

Gibbs, where did you find him?

Gibbs

I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Ziva

Tony, I have a question.

Tony

Shoot.

Ziva

If and when you meet my friend, and I emphasize 'if', what will you say?

Tony

Be careful. [chuckles insecurely] Um, handle with care; contents priceless.

Ziva

Goodnight, Tony.

Tony

Goodnight, Ziva.

Ziva

Tony, have you been drinking?

Tony

No. [sniffs breath] Why?

Ziva

I could have sworn I just heard you thank McGee.

Tony

I appreciate his insight.

Ziva

[skeptically] On what?

Tony

Baseball.

McGee

Specifically the implementation of instant replay in baseball. If we have the technology, why not use it?

Ziva

I do not know what is more disturbing: the fact that you both agree on something or that McGee is a fan of a sport.

Tony

[Talking about Ziva] She's not doing a very good job. The body language is all wrong. Classic Ziva would've been more reckless, hair would've been more wild. She was very sexual then.

McGee

You think Ziva's less sexual now?

Tony

Compared to the Ziva I shared a bed with five years ago, yeah.

McGee

You guys were undercover. I mean, you were just putting on a show.

Tony

[Doesn't say anything, stares at Ziva]

McGee

You were putting on a show, right?

Tony

[Just looks at McGee and clears his throat]

Ziva

Tony!! [jumps on Tony to cover him from a bomb blast]

Tony

This is nice. I miss the old Ziva.

Ziva

I can tell.

Tony

Don't flatter yourself. That's just my knee.

Ziva

So, Matt Lane planted a bomb then stayed behind to unpyer a game rather than flee the scene.

Tony

We told you Ziva.

Gibbs

It's baseball.

Ziva

Huh

Nice

Ziva

You two need a moment.

Tony

You'll understand. Eventually

Ziva

Will I? (Goes to grab mitts and baseball)

Ziva

Hey Gibbs, Have a catch?

McGee

Wow, look at this. So, you do know a little somethin about baseball. Huh!

Ziva

Yeah. My father taught me.

Tony

Trust me, this woman could get Gibbs into a leotard if she wanted to.

Gibbs

Not likely, in this lifetime, Dinozzo.

Tony

No, boss, I'm sure you would never wear a leotard. But if you did, you could pull it off.

Ziva

Hey, guys? [Tony and McGee arrive to see Ziva looking into a dumpster] Someone is going to have to go though this -- this is disgusting.

Tony

Last time I checked, I was senior field agent.

McGee

It's too bad we don't have a probationary agent with us.

But we do!

Ziva

You're going to pull rank on me?! [watches as they turn and leave]