Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

[chuckles] Aw, not bad....

McGee

Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.

Ziva

Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.

McGee

He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...

Ziva

[chuckles]

Tony

Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.

Ziva

[gives him a stare] Not me.

Tony

Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?

McGee

Looking at animal rescue sites.

Ziva

McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.

Tony

Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...

McGee

Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...

Ziva

[exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]

Tony

Might be easier getting a girlfriend.

Ziva

[gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.

McGee

Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.

Tony

I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.

McGee

Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.

Ziva

[looks confused] Are you getting a pony?

Tony

It's an adage.

Ziva

I am not familiar with that breed.

Tony

Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.

Tony

So, what's the favorite?

Ziva

[annoyed] The Pit Bull.

Tony

Yeah, that makes sense for you, actually. Not really for McGee. He seems more like a Spaniel kind of guy. Cocker, maybe?

Tony

Highland Beach in October. Not much of a tourist draw. Soft-shelled crab season's almost over. People really like boats that much?

Gibbs

You work for the Navy, DiNozzo.

The boss looks mad.

Ziva

He's going to chew you up.

Tony

Out. "Chew you out." Or maybe not. Maybe he's one of those silent killer types.

[in disbelief] You think the kid's Kamal? He would have had to start when he was eight years old!

Tony

Not if he's the new Dread Pirate Roberts.

Abby

[gasps] I love The Princess Bride! "No one would ever surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley."

Tony

[turns his laugh into a cough] Uh, the Dread Pirate Roberts picks a successor, trains him, starts calling him "Roberts," then settles into a cushy retirement. It's the name Kamal that sells the business.

Tony

[watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Brought to you by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as usual, the FBI, and the elusive Kamal Konkani.

Gibbs

Freeze it.

Tony

[British accent] The Dread Pirate Roberts, I presume.

Ziva

[mimicking his accent] Did you get her number?

Tony

Who, Courtney? No.

Ziva

I did.

McGee

Don't do that!

Tony

Do what?

McGee

He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]

Tony

That tells him someone's here?

McGee

Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?

Tony

Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?

McGee

Yeah. Once when I was young.

Tony

For your Acrophobia?

McGee

You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.

Tony

Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.

McGee

I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.

Tony

Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!

McGee

I was not.

Tony

You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]

McGee

My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.

Tony

[Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.

McGee

You're not going to post that on YouTube?

Tony

I might.

McGee

You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]

Tony

[Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

Hey, hey. Hey. [Both stop fighting] You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.

Tony

On the phone?

Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?

McGee

[Realizes] Couple? Us? No, no... [Begins moving away from Tony]

Tony

It's okay, Timmy. Timmy. We're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here. [McGee quickly moves away from Tony and stands in front of Dr. Fleming] We just got back from Vermont. Pretty there this time of year.

McGee

Sorry. [Shows Dr. Fleming his badge] NCIS. Special Agents McGee, and DiNozzo.

Tony

[Stands] Very special agents.

Tony

I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.

McGee

Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]

Ziva

Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?

Tony

What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]

Tony

I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.

Gibbs

Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.

Tony

How'd he die?

Gibbs

Silently.

Tony

Steady Probie.

McGee

Tell that to my stomach.

Tony

[crouches down] Steady Probie's stomach.

Tony

So this whole thing was a Russian black ops mission to recover their nuke?

McGee

So pirates that weren't really pirates were actually Russian sailors who were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retrieved?

Gibbs

[smiles] Uh-huh.

Ducky

You were right, Ziva. There is someone on board.

Ziva

Not him. There's someone alive. I can feel it.

Tony

A lion-headed dragon goat?

Ziva

Maybe.

Ziva

She knew.

McGee

Reads Gibbs like a book.

Tony

Short read, not a lot of dialogue.

Ziva

Your kind of book.

Tony

Are you suggesting I don't read?

McGee

I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.

Tony

Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.

Ziva

Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.

Shepard

Any idea where he's going?

Tony

No.

Shepard

Hazard a guess?

Tony

Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.