Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?

Tony

He's a man.

Ziva

What does she have that he does not?

Tony

A bed.

Ziva

[on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--

Tony

Personal call, David?

Ziva

Yes. Go away!

Tony

Somebody being dumped?

Ziva

Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?

Tony

Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.

Ziva

That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.

Tony

Why didn't you stop me?

Ziva

Too stunned.

Tony

Where do I send flowers?

Ziva

If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.

Tony

[after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.

McGee

Explains a lot.

Tony

Is this side of my head bigger?

Ziva

Yes. But so is the other side.

Ziva

You're xenophobic.

Tony

No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.

Ziva

Do you ever think about soulmates?

Tony

They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.

Ziva

You'll never get it.

McGee

[entering the squad room in his sunglasses] Is it always this bright in here?

Tony

Wait a second, I recognize that look. You had sex, and I'm guessing it was with a girl.

McGee

No...

Tony

No, it wasn't a girl?

McGee

No, it's none of your business.

Tony

If the probie was probing last night, I demand details.

Gibbs

Tell me you didn't just lose all that information!

Tony

McGee! [McGee hunches over Tony's computer] Space bar?

McGee

[typing] Just push the buttons I tell you to push, monkey.

Tony

Love is not treating you well, my friend.

McGee

Yeah, no kidding.

Ziva

I'm driving.

Tony

I'm dead.

Ziva

I'm a trained navigator, Tony.

Tony

Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.

Ziva

I'm also a trained assassin.

Tony

God! Oh, God, these are new boots!

Ziva

This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!

Tony

The only sight I see is your big black...

Ziva

Hey!

Tony

Backpack! Walking faster!

Jenny

Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.

Tony

Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.

Gibbs

You sound tired, DiNozzo.

Tony

We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.

Ziva

I'm driving.

Tony

I'm dead.

Tony

[after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?

McGee

It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.

Ziva

Maybe Ziva will do what?

Tony

I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.

Ziva

You and Abby have been drinking?

Tony

No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.

McGee

To match your head.

McGee

[after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?

Tony

As hard as you can.

McGee

You know that's how Houdini died?

Tony

Ziva, did you kill Houdini?

Ziva

It is possible, I do not remember all their names.

Tony

[As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.

Ziva

It has been three hours, Tony.

Tony

Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.

Ziva

He's not on foot, he's in a car!

Tony

What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...

Gibbs

Corporal Damon Werth.

McGee

Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?