Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

[referring to a model] You really find her attractive?

Tony

Yeah?

Ziva

Well, I want to shoot her!

Tony

[catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?

Ziva

It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.

Tony

Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.

Ziva

We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!

Tony

Yeah, tell him, McGee.

McGee

Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.

Tony

Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.

McGee

That's not TV.

Tony

He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.

Ziva

[shocked]

McGee

It's an elf lord.

Tony

[laughing] Whatever.

Gibbs

Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!

McGee

Boss, I think I might have something.

Gibbs

...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

Ziva

How did she get the drugs?

She didn't! The whole point of the show was to show she wasn't that girl anymore.

Ziva

Well I'd say it backfired, large-time.

Tony

It's "big-time".

Tony

I'm not getting any reception. How about you?

Ziva

I'm bra-less.

Tony

I noticed that earlier, but on your phone they're bars.

Ziva

Don't you have anything better to do than correct my English?

Tony

Why are you on top of me?

Ziva

I'm protecting you, Tony.

Tony

Don't.

Ziva

Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover.

Tony

That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.

Ziva

Perhaps if it were warmer in here, hmm?

Tony

Let me rephrase the question: why are you still on top of me? [Ziva smiles]

Tony

Hey, if this thing goes off-

Ziva

This is not your fault, I know.

Tony

No, I was going to say...your life would have more meaning if you'd slept with me.

Ziva

If you'd had anything else on your mind, I might have.

Tony

Really?

Ziva

No.

Ziva

I can't tell where we are going.

Tony

There are only three ways we are going to get there: Train --

Ziva

That's quaint. We could be like those homos in those old movies

Tony

Hobos! Not homos.

Tony

Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.

Yeah? What agency?

NCIS.

Never heard of it.

Ziva

Naval Criminal Investigative...

Never-heard-of-it.

Tony

[sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.

[speaking into his radio] Central? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.

Tony

[glances at the radio] No little red light on the radio means the radio not working.

Tony

Nobody's going to shoot anyone. Right, Officer David?

Ziva

He called me a dirtbag.

[whimpering] I'm sorry, ma'am.

Ziva

[angrier] "Ma'am"?

Tony

You haven't met our hacker.

He's good?

Ziva

Does a bear sit in the woods?

Are you the crackerjack team on this job?

Tony

She's Israeli.

Ziva

Look, I know I got the bear thing right.

Tony

[Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?

Abby

Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.

Tony

You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?

Abby

You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.

Tony

So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?

Ziva

You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.

Tony

Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)

Gibbs

No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!

Tony

Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."

McGee

Your father actually said that to you?

Tony

No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.

Ziva

Probably he knew your taste in women.

Ziva

I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…

Tony

Flies.

Ziva

What do flies have to do with honey?

Tony

Flies... don't like... vinegar.

Ziva

Vinegar?

Tony

It's complicated. Here he comes.