Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

Fell asleep working on your boat again?

Gibbs

Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?

Tony

Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.

Abby

So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.

Gibbs

Do I look like DiNozzo?

Tony

Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.

Abby

Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.

Tony

You have a chastity belt?

Gibbs

So much more information than I need to know about Abby.

Gibbs

Tests? On a Navy ship?

Tony

If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here?

Gibbs

Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.

Tony

You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.

Gibbs

Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.

Tony

Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.

Gibbs

It was six months ago, Tony.

Gibbs

[on cell phone] No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the bomb. [closes phone] She's bonded.

Tony

Kate and Jane Doe?

Gibbs

Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.

Tony

Love that look in a woman.

Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.

Tony

Suzanne is not dead.

[stops typing]

Gibbs

Woops.

Tony

Big woops.

You're telling me the suits from Hoover didn't save The Man? [referring to the President, as seen in "Yankee White"]

Tony

Hell no it was N-C-I-us.

Not according to the TV reports.

Tony

When do they get it right?

Tony

We gotta do something, boss.

Gibbs

Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?

Tony

According to you or me?

Gibbs

You.

Tony

Yeah.

Gibbs

Could anyone make you feel better?

Tony

No.

Tony

What is it with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF...and their all "B's"!

Gibbs

I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS!

Tony

I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?

McGee

Ummmm, not sure.

Tony

[gives him a look]

McGee

...sir?

Tony

That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.

McGee

Oh.

Tony

's alright. Rookie mistake.

Kate

[sees Tony coming in Ducky's uniform] Oh my god.

Tony

Don't even, okay.

Kate

Did I say anything?

Tony

You were. I know you were.

Kate

They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus - no belt.

Tony

Hmmf!

Gibbs

...and she plays golf left handed.

Kate

Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance?

Gibbs

My second wife played golf left handed.

Kate

So?

Tony

When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.

Kate

[referring to Tony refusing to answer a woman's calls] Talk to her.

Tony

She'll get the message.

Gibbs

[small smile and nod]

Kate

You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.

Gibbs

Actually that wasn't it at all.

Kate

So what was it, then?

Gibbs

Seven iron.

Ducky

We have a rising tide.

Gibbs

Okay. DiNozzo?

Tony

Yo!

Gibbs

You and me take measurements. We'll rebuild them later in the lab. Kate, more photos!

Kate

Gotcha.

Gibbs

Gerald, take notes.

Gerald

I'm on it.

Gibbs

Come on, move it!

Ducky

We've got to keep him dry.

Gibbs

I've got the sign.

Tony

I've got the farthest boulder.

Gibbs

Head and feet!

Tony

Fifteen point seven one.

Gibbs

Eleven point three six meters.

Gerald

Fifteen point seven one. Eleven point three six. Got them.

Kate

His dive knife is missing.

Ducky

Yeah, you didn't see this coming, did you, my friend?

Gibbs

Hey, watch out! Tide!

Ducky

(Chuckles) Well done, Tony.

Gibbs

Bag him.

Ducky

I've got a spare suit in the van.

Kate

[To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo] You OK? What is it?

Gibbs

(grinning) Shrinkage.

Tony

[flashes ID and looking embarrassed and uncomfortable] Agent DiNozzo.

[laughs] Just can't stop messing with the uniforms can they, sir?