Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

You know what my dad always said about excuses?

McGee

Yeah. They're like armpits. Everybody has them and they all stink.

Tony

Actually, he used a different part of the anatomy. But yeah, same difference.

Kate

Still no head or left leg.

Abby

Did you check Hooterville?

Tony

Where's Hooterville?

Abby

You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.

Tony

I prefer TV shows from this century.

Kate

[about Gibbs] Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.

Tony

None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.

Can I help you?

Tony

[pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, [leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.

[melting] Okay.

Kate

Why don't you just give her a breast exam?

Tony

In good time.

Tony

You really like small towns?

Kate

Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?

Tony

Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.

Kate

Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.

Tony

One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.

Kate

Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?

Tony

See... You do get me.

Gibbs

What do you have?

Tony

A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime...

Gibbs

DiNozzo...

Tony

That's seven letters.

Gibbs

Works for me. What do you got?

Gibbs

Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.

Tony

Hey for your information I have a maid now.

Gibbs

You can afford a maid?

Tony

It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Kate

[on Gibbs] You think his recruiter told him a fast one?

Tony

I doubt it.

Kate

Why?

Tony

Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?

Tony

This kid wanted to be a paramedic - Sgt. Alvarez told him the Marine Corps would "train him to save lives."

Kate

What's wrong with that?

Gibbs

The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel.

Tony

They're all Navy.

Gibbs

Technically it is true, Marines do save lives. Mostly through the use of superior firepower.

Tony

You think he'd let me borrow his uniform for a weekend?

Kate

I don't know. I just hope I'm there when you ask him.

Gibbs

Why are all these dolls naked?

Tony

Don't look at me, Boss. Must be a goth thing.

Kate

(as she is watching Tony try and use chopsticks) Relax your hand or you're never gonna get it in your mouth!

Tony

(as another bundle of noodles slip out of the chopsticks) I'm trying but the thing's too damn slippery!

Kate

Never gonna impress a girl that way!

Tony

Oh Whatever! Just the next time we do this Kate make sure they (drops more noodles) don't forget the forks! (Kate smiles as she successfully puts noodles in her mouth) No-one like a show-off! (after he fails again at eating noodles) Okay. Screw this! You got any soup? (Kate passes it over carefully as it's hot) Ah...thanks!

Gibbs

(getting out the elevator) That had better not be mine, DiNozzo!

Tony

(freezes) Gibbs ordered soup? (glares silently at Kate who nods smugly) Great! (as Gibbs glares at him) If it's any consolation it's not very good!

Gibbs

(stares at the noodles) Whose chow mein?

Kate

(with noodles in her mouth) Tony's!

Gibbs

(takes the box) Good!

Kate

Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands still have an ounce of adrenaline left.

Tony

Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.

Kate

It would help if the investigators didn't puke all over it.

Gibbs

Brings back memories.

Kate

Memories of what?

Gibbs

Marriage.

Tony

You're not the only one who knows how to profile.

Kate

Maybe. But with that haircut you wouldn't pass for an ROTC student. [smiles at Tony]

Tony

Gibbs gets dress blue charlies. I look like one of the Village People.

Abby

[via Tony's earpiece] [laughs] Maybe you can find a local cop and get a dance routine going.