Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

[naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!

Kate

[speechless]

Gibbs

I need coffee.

Tony

I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it. 

Gibbs

Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?

Tony

(visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack. 

Gibbs

See if you can brand the cologne.

Abby

Why, you want some?

Gibbs

Nope, don’t use cologne. The women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. Probably why i don’t date many women.

Gibbs

[sternly] You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.

Tony

I do. [frantically wiping Gibbs' shirt] I booked us on the first, uh-- [Gibbs smacks Tony's hand] flight to Gitmo tomorrow...

Gibbs

Unbook it.

Tony

Haha! I knew it!

Gibbs

Navy's giving us a priority ride today.

Tony

You mean it? [Gibbs looks at him] You do mean it. Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...

Gibbs

What's wrong with priority rides?

Tony

C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?

Gibbs

Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.

Tony

[laughs, while on a Gulfstream jet] I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best!

Gibbs

I miss canvas seats.

Tony

[flirtatiously] Miss me?

Like herpes.

Tony

[naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!

Kate

[speechless]

Gibbs

I need coffee.

Tony

No!

Kate

It's the only room with a bath! Men take showers and women take baths!

Tony

Why does the woman thing come up when the ship is sinking? (sarcastically) Or when there's one room with a bath!

Gibbs

Talk to ya mañana!

Tony

Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.

Kate

Because he probably killed them.

Kate

What's your clearance?

Tony

Confidential.

Kate

Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?

Tony

Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.

Gibbs

Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.

Tony

They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.

Kate

Why is that?

Tony

To prove that I'm still alive.

Tony

[protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.

Kate

Then don't shoot it.

Gibbs

Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target]

Kate

[protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.

Gibbs

Then don't shoot it. [walks away]

Kate

[to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.

Tony

What?

Kate

We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.

Tony

That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Gibbs

Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.

Tony

I'll bring the lighter fluid.

Kate

Deal.

Abby

Very cool. Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap]

Tony

You can have that one.

Tony

The eyes need to be bigger.

Kate

The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.

Tony

Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.

Gibbs

Welcome to my world, Abby.

Kate

What does he want the LES for?

Tony

Kate, that's NCIS 101.

Kate

You have no idea.

Tony

Not a clue.

Kate

Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?

Tony

Oh, he's sleeping.

Kate

How can you tell?

Tony

He looks peaceful.

Gibbs

Morning. Sleep well?

Kate

If you consider throwing up violently all night and being thrown around like a couple of rag dolls...

Tony

...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.

Kate

We sure screwed that up.

Tony

Yep, still doesn't explain the cover-up and fake colonel.

Kate

They're called classified ops for a reason, Tony. We'll probably never know.

Tony

The phone call? Your calling plan include the afterlife, Kate?

Kate

Voice recognition isn't an exact science.

Tony

Neither is Gibbs' gut. And he's convinced there's more going on here than a crank call.

Kate

Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.

Tony

Name once.

Kate

He has been married, like, four times.

Tony

There is that.

Gibbs

There is what?

Tony

Nothing, boss. Just, uh, discussing the case.

Kate

Or a lack thereof. You still wanna take a look at those LES's?

Gibbs

I don't know. You figured out how Kidwell died yet?

Kate

I'll, um… I'll just get them in order for you.

Gibbs

Kate? It was three times, not four.

Kate

We know Kidwell was murdered.

Tony

And that lying sack of excrement is somehow involved.

Tony

(eating a sandwich) I would just like to go on the record and say "I really miss the Gulf Stream we took to Gitmo" (notices Kate with her head in a bag so puts his sandwich next to her mouth) You hungry?

Kate

(groans as she's sick some more) Tony! Do I look hungry to you?

Tony

Well, No! Actually you look kind of...

Kate

(gasps) Tell me that's normal!

Tony

That is! (the plane drops suddenly and Kate freaks) Now that I'm not too sure about!

Kate

(groans in fear) How long till we get to Colombia?

Tony

(swallowing his sandwich) Oh not long! (sees Kate's look of relief) Five, six hours tops!

Kate

(swallows a mouthful of water, looks at Gibbs sleeping across from them) Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?

Tony

Oh, he's sleeping.

Kate

How can you tell?

Tony

He looks peaceful.

Gibbs

(yawns and stretches) Morning. Sleep well?

Kate

If by "well" you mean violently throwing up all night and being bounced around like rag dolls...

Tony

...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.

Gibbs

You'll get used to it!

Kate

That's what I'm afraid of!

Agent Gibbs? We'll be landing in about fifteen minutes! (passes Gibbs a cup of coffee)

Gibbs

Thanks! My compliments to the pilot!

Kate

(stands up and looks around)

Gibbs

Uh...What ya looking for Kate?

Kate

The ladies room!

Tony

(snickers)

Kate

Okay then the Men's room!

Gibbs

There's no "Men's room".

Kate

Then how the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? (Gibbs passes her a plastic bag) Oh no! Forget it! I can wait! (Gibbs smiles at her then she sticks her hand out for the bag) Damn it! Where?

Gibbs

If you want some privacy...I'd go behind those big boxes over there!

Kate

God I miss Air Force One!