Sorry to interrupt your dinner, Reverend.
Company isn't an interruption, Orel. Just an occasional reminder of my involuntary solitude.
S1 E7God-Fearing
Is being a policeman scary?
POfficer Papermouth
No, son, I’m never scared when I’m out on the beat; because I have the best backup team out there, Officer’s God and Jesus. I know God protects me from all danger and Jesus guides my bullets straight into the brains and lungs of lawless slime.
S1 E8Loyalty
Your friendship and loyalty to Joe led you to hurting other people.
Yeah…those boys in the forest…
No, I’m talking about your three real friends: Doughy, Tommy and the rest!
(after finding out the situation with Orel and Joe from the gang by making them drink alcohol)
Okay, boys, alright. Well, thanks. I'll handle it.
You're not gonna hit them, are you, Mr. Puppington?
Oh, Doughy, God wants us to beat our kids when they're bad.
He does?
Yes.
Why?
Because....[Walks off]
S1 E9Maturity
That kid gets more action than I do.
I'm still weaning him, Clay.
Bloberta, he's seven! He should not be using your milk to wash down his meatloaf, which I pay for by working that stinking dead-end job!
I'm so sick of your complaining. Why don't you just quit your job and quit being such a crybaby?
Oh, thanks for the sympathy! You have never been on my side!
Why would I be on the side of a self destructive alcoholic?
I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night
Have a good day at school, dear.
[Under his breath] Eh, have a good day, yourself.
Hmm, now where have I seen that behaviour before? [To Clay] Have a good day at work, dear.
[Under his breath] Eh, have a good day, yourself.
Oh son, behaving like a grown up is many things. First and for most, it means doing things that you hate doing.
Like what, pop?
Well, like dealing with people who make you unhappy, being stressed about things you have no control over, working soul-numbing jobs.
Oh.
Then gradually as we endure these hardships and accept them as normal, that's when we finally earned the right to get drunk and be emotionally distant from our families.
S1 E10The Best Christmas Ever
I'd like to welcome a very special Merry 1st Christmas to our Jews for Jesus friends. You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talking about: Jesus, our Savior! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary.
Jesus was an unplanned birth that really made a name for itself. Not only is he a symbol of righteousness, but also the perfect poster child against abortion! Like if Joseph had refused to let the baby grow within Mary, who knows what this building would be right now... maybe even a synagogue! But because Joseph had the moral goodness to raise the "surprise;" we are safe and warm here in a Protestant church. Amen, and merry Christmas.
RJRadio Jingle
If the Lord were alive today, what would you give Him this Christmas?
What do you give someone who has everything and more?
He can heal the sick, so don't give Him an aspirin
He can walk on water, don't get Him a surfboard
If the Lord were alive today, what would you give Him this Christmas?
Give Him a $20 gift certificate from Pizza Jo's!
S2 E1God's Image
Son, I know things have been rough over the past few months, what with your mother's unreasonable behavior and bitter coldness towards me.
[Orel is about to put some Chinese food in his mouth]
Don't say it, you and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children. So your mother and I have decided to stay together. If only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that is none of their business
We were all made in God's image. Now what does that phrase really mean? I mean, if a ugly fat lady is made in God's image, then how can a stuck-up pretty lady also be made in God's image?
CMr Christein
[in a stereotypical Jewish accent] Figgurelli, I hear the townspeople are all into this segregation mishegus. Oy, it reminds me of when King Herod got shpilkes because of our Lord and savior
SFSal Figgurelli
Huh?
CMr Christein
You know. It starts with the stereotyping and ends with the kaputz?
[The Figgurelli's go to the attic after learning the townsfolk plan to burn their house down]
SFSal Figgurelli
Come on, everybody, in the attic. They'll never find us up here. [Hands Suzy a diary] Here, Suzy, start writing in this diary.
SFSuzy Figgurelli
Why, daddy?
SFSal Figgurelli
You know, uh, it's good, for when you're dead.
S2 E2Love
God wants you to love Jesus more than anything else in the world. More than your mother, more than your father, more than your favorite food. And yes, even more than money.
[The adults of the congregation gasp with horror]
Come on, Orel. We don't wanna be late for Bible Youth Fun Club. You know how intolerant they can all be.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Moral Orel pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.