Tylor Tuskmon quotes from Monsters at Work

Tylor

Needleman, Smitty, have you seen...

Smitty

Santa?

Tylor

No, not Santa. NO.

Needleman

See? I told you it wasn't Santa. It was just some tall, white, furry guy.

Tylor

Uh, furry guy! Right! Where'd he go?

Adorable

Yaks mostly eat grass and wildflowers, and some people think they have four stomachs. But they really have one stomach with four compartments.

Tylor

Really?

Adorable

And the milk? Oh, delicious. But you know what really gets the taste buds hoppin'? Mmm, yak yogurt.

Tylor

Okay, could you just stop with the yak yakking yak? Okay? Please? [sighs] Today was my big chance to be a jokester.

Adorable

Jokester? What's a jokester?

Tylor

That's right. You don't... [sighs] It's laugh power now. No more scare power.

Adorable

Really?

Tylor

I was gonna be a Scarer, but now my only chance to get on that floor is to make a kid laugh.

Adorable

Yeah, I know how you feel, kid. But when life throws you a snowball, make snow cones.

Val

Double T.

Tylor

Val, I... I gotta go.

Val

I found out what happened. Why he was banished.

Tylor

No.

Val

He didn't eat Dale, or steal cars, or drink screams. He never hurt anybody.

Tylor

I don't understand. Then why would he be banished?

Val

He saw a letter from Waternoose about plans for a machine that would extract screams from kids.

Tylor

Oh, he knew about the Scream Extractor.

Val

After that, Waternoose banished him for life. But he just wanted a friend.

Mike

Hey, Tylor, get in here! We've just about met the power demand, and you're not even on the board.

Carla

The kid loved it. You should have heard him laugh.

Mike

Who knew Carla and that liquid-emitting flora was so funny? [chuckles] I love surprises.

Tylor

I, uh... I gotta go.

Mike

Uh-oh. Sulley, this door looks very familiar.

Adorable

[bursts through the door holding snow cones, followed by Tylor and Val] Snow cones for everybody!

Tylor

We've got lemon and lingonberry.

Val

And zero-calorie snow flavored.

Sulley

Adorable, what are you doing here?

Mike

Perfect timing. Yum! With this heat, I could sure use one of those snow cones.

Adorable

Guys, it's been years.

Sulley

We were in your cave a month ago.

Adorable

Yeah, but that's a long time in Yeti years. Uh, snow cone?

Mike

[takes a lemon snow cone] What a way to cool off. [tastes his snow cone, making his voice raspy] Mmm. And these lemon ones, they're a little tart. Makes my mouth feel funny.

Adorable

Yeah, it was all my friend Tylor's idea.

Tylor

Um, Sulley, Mike, I feel like Adorable here has been banished long enough.

Val

More like unjustly banished by Waternoose for discovering the Scream Extractor.

Sulley

Scream Extractor? No wonder he wanted to get rid of you.

Mike

You shouldn't have been banished, you should've been rewarded.

Sulley

You're right, Mike. Adorable, now that I'm CEO of Monsters, Incorporated, I hereby un-banish you.

Adorable

Ya here that? Officially un-banished!

Val

Whoo-hoo! Yes!

Mike

And no more mail room for you. You're getting a promotion as…

Adorable

Official snow cone seller of Monsters, Incorporated!

Smitty

I'll have lemon.

Needleman

Make that two.

Adorable

There you go.

Sulley

Congratulations, Carla.

Mike

I'll see ya and your funny flower tomorrow on the Laugh Floor.

Carla

Oh, thanks.

Val

Hey, sorry you missed your chance.

Tylor

Eh, I'll get another one. It's me, remember? Besides, when life throws you a snowball, you make a snow cone.

Tylor

Mrs. Flint, hi, look, look, I know Robot Boy is burning, but I'm pretty sure it was laughing, too, right? I heard it. I'm not making this up, right? You heard that...

Mr. Tusklint.

Tylor

Yes, yes, Tuskmon.

While I appreciate your persistence, all my data indicates that... Well, how do I put this kindly? It's like if boring and unfunny got married and had a kid and that kid had his sense of humor surgically removed, that kid would still be funnier than you.

Tylor

Sorry. So, are you saying I need to have something surgically removed? Because I'll... I'll do it.

Perhaps I need to be clearer. Not all scarers are cut out to be jokesters. I'm sorry to say that was your last audition.

Tylor

For now?

Forever.

Tylor

Um, but if you'll just let me come--

You are not funny.

Good day, Mr. Tusklint.

Tylor

It's... Tuskmon.

[to Duncan] Are you gonna puke?

Duncan

Me? [gags]

'Cause you look like you are gonna puke.

Duncan

[weakly] No, I'm always this shade of green. [gags]

Tylor

Hey, and uh... Speaking of green, what's round, green, and goes "honk-honk?"

[sighs] Mike Wazowski driving his car.

Tylor

Oh, you've heard it, oh, okay.

[leaving] It wasn't funny the first time I heard it, and it wasn't funny now. You are not funny.

Val

What is it? Double T?

Tylor

[frustrated] I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I mean, we were totally getting along, and now, look at her. Look. [shows Thalia, grumpily sitting at the table outside the room with the other monster children] I can't even get her to smile, you know? She just looks at me, and she's, she's just... "bleh". She was my last chance at becoming a Jokester. You... You know this is all her mom's fault, right?

Val

Maybe, if you weren't being such an aaaaa... ambitiously-focused individual?

Tylor

Yeah, I'm done, okay? For all I care, Thalia can go find her "I-wouldn't-know-comedy-if-it-hit-me-in-the-butt" mom, and let her know that Tylor Tusk-MON... says that she is the most not-funny monster in all of Monstropolis! Not me! She can walk herself upstairs, march into her mom's office, and tell her that!

Okay. I'll go tell her that.

Tylor

Wait! Uh, Thalia, wait, wait. Hello?! THALIA?! [drives after Thalia] THALIA!!!

[on the phone with Creaking Acres] What?! No, I did not know that! [hangs up] BERNARD!!! You liar!

Now what, Ma?

I was just on the phone with Creaking Acres.

Ma, let's not do this here.

You told me they kicked me out because I was too loud and opinionated! But that's not the truth! Well, I am both those things. But that's not why I was kicked out.

Tylor

Dad? Grandma? What's going on?

Your cheapskate father's robbing me of my retirement home!

That's not true.

Then why?

[sighs] I told you already, Ma. The retirement home doesn't want you back.

Why?!

[loses his temper] Because we can't afford it!

There you go. You happy now, Ma? We can barely afford our rent.

Tylor

That's a laugh canister from Monsters, Inc.

Yes, it is. And it's time my vice president learned the whole truth. You see, I've got somebody on the inside.

Tylor

[gasps] Randall?!

Boggs.

Hahaha! Mission accomplished, boss.

[furious at Tylor] Why are you ruining this?! I told you, you can't escape who you are.

Tylor

I'm not. I'm embracing it. And it's time you embrace who you are: a fraud.

[laughs] A fraud?! [angry again] You ungrateful little... I gave you everything. If I am a fraud, what does that make you, huh? Huh?! You're not funny enough to be a Jokester. You're too afraid to be a Scarer. The only thing you're good for is being a pawn!