Sorry! Sorry! I just... It's my fault! I can't stand to see her chew, I just locked in on it! My fault! Sorry!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -
Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?
Toki hasn't said one word!
[still catatonically silent]
Maybe they died in their sleep.
SSeth
[approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?
Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?
SSeth
Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.
The studio?
SSeth
We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!
For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!
SSeth
[still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!
The hell you talkin' about?!
We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?
Yeah!
SSeth
Help me!
Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]
OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
You ruined my vagina!
SSServetta Skwigelf
I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
OEOscar Explosion
I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!
TMThunderbolt Murderface
[robotic voice] My body is a lifeless shell. Please, please, kill me. Please kill me. I have not had an erection for 30 years. I just used my underpants as a restroom. Please kill me. Dear God, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.
[contemplatively] It appears the yard wolves has grown up. Are we finally finished with thes colds dead winters?
You slapped at my face.
No, I didn't!
You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.
JTDr. Jonathan Twinkletits
Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!
Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here.
Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!
Dude, no hitting.
Do it again, Toki. Take 164.
Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar.
I can hear that. The talkback mike is on.
Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?
I can stills hear you.
So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!
Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.
This idea is dildos.
TNTelevision Narrator
... with considerable pressure, the hard and marble-like lens can jettison back into their own eyes, blinding them.
Huh...I didn't know that.
I did. [sticks food into his mouth with his knife; Twinkletits enters the room]
Band meetin' everyone, BAND MEETIN'!
Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!
Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn.
[whispers] The banana sticker! [heavenly chorus sounds]
How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?
No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here.
What happened back there?
I don't care.
Hey, I've got an idea. [Removes glasses.] Let's rock talk!
No!
C'mon, don't you wanna get in touch with you know, your - your inner dude?
No thanks, I hate that guy.
Now we're getting somewhere! Let's rock talk about that!
I don't wanna.
Hmm. What a shame, you know. Guess I'll just have to, you know, hold onto all these banana stickers, I got like a million -
[eyes widen] Okay, I'll rock talk.
Good. I want you to tell me about young Murderface. Tell me a nice story about when Murderface was just a little tiny boy.
Well, okay, here goes.
WSWilliam's Father
How could I ever marry you?! I kill you! Here goes!
WSWilliam's Father
And now I kill myself! First my left leg! Good! [voice gets more anguished] Now the right! [voice gets even more anguished and lower] Now the arm! [voice gets lower and more halting] NOW MY FAAAACE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Yeah, that was good rock talk.
Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.
I'm telling you he's crazy.
How could you say something like that? He's a genius.
Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.
Wait, we can do that?
Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.
Can we's fires ourselves?
Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.
Can we give ourselves a raise?
Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.
Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.
Ja, I give me a raise too.
I give myself a solid gold telephone.
I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.
Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.
Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you.
I'm sorry, what?
Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!
Hold on for a second, I am your therapist.
I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.
Don'ts you wants a banana sticker?
We won't be needing your banana stickers.
We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...
You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU! [slips on a banana sticker and flies out the window] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [he falls several stories and lands on the ground] I'm still alive! I'm still- [the yard wolves appear] AUUGGGHH ...
Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.
Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.
I believe the cycle of learning is complete.
Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.
Yeah. And what lesson might that be?
I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.
[videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.
Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.
Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?
[pause] Let's eat!
NNarrator
[reading a letter by Pickles] Antonio shot heroin into his balls again this morning. He says this time, it was an accident. I'm sure we'll have the usual difficulties on stage tonight. I know I sound like a broken record, but I need heavier music.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.