So, anysways, I just got back from vacation. I went to the beach...for vacation...and...you know what I got at the beach?
CCrowd
[no response]
SAND!!! [throws sand to the crowd]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Donated blood the other day, not mine.
CCrowd
[laughs]
Wanna see me donate some blood to you guys? yeah?[pulls out a large hose from under the curtain to spray the audience with blood, while yelling]
LLorkey
[watching Pickles perform] Eh, can't teach 'em no more. [pulls a pistol from his jacket and shoots himself in the head]
[while performing; shooting a rifle in random directions] Oops, I thought this was the NRA!
[while performing] Any of you dildos wanna fight? What about you grandma? Wanna fight? Wanna awwww... I'm just messing with you!
NINick Ibsen
We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?
[suddenly] Because.
IIbsen
Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]
Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.
Huh huh... for pancakes.
IIbsen
As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?
Yes I am.
IIbsen
Well as I said before, while met with resistance, we have a great surprise in store for you. We, have uncovered something you have desperately been trying to hide. Tonight, you will all be reunited with your families.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You're going to pay for this!
IIbsen
Pay for what? Journalistic integrity?
William!
IIbsen
I think you'll find any journalist worth his own salt, would do the same.
Good song title... "Bloodrocuted!"
From Tomahawk, Wisconsin we have Pickles' parents: Calvert and Molly with older brother Seth, a recently released convict. From Victory Gardens, the premier armed forces retirement community in Florida: Rose and Oscar Explosion. She's the once lovely Miss Sweden 1956, the brave single mother whose neglect helped form the world's fastest guitarist: Serveta Skwigelf. And the curious and rather off-beat grandparents who raised William after the tragic murder-suicide of his parents: Stella and Thunderbolt Murderface.
What's the wagon for?
MASSIVE stroke.
I see...
And last but not least, from abandoned village near Lillehammer, Norway, Anja and the Reverend Aslaug Wartooth.
I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?
What, you're not talking to me?
I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.
It's repugnant. I'd rather be Sanded Faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.
I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.
Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?
You remember Mrs. Miller, don't you?
[hands clamped over his ears] No.
Well, they had to cut her legs off. Poor thing, there was an ice storm and the power went out in her house and she woke up with her feet frozen.
God, Mom, that's brutal.
Her feet were black, like... uh, a black person's feet. Not that I have anything against black people, but this, this was frostbite. And besides, black people's feet are pink on the bottom.
I learned they have these wheelchairs now with computers in them that you can control by blinking, your eyes - and with all your money, William, your grandfather has to sit there in a wagon like a dead cat.
Oh! I guess I'll just run out and buy one - hey, anyone else want one? Electric wheelchairs! I'll buy a million of them -
Ow! Don't hit people on the head with a spoon!
SSeth
So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?
He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!
SSeth
Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]
Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!
Yeah me too!
Yeah that's for sure!
[catatonically silent]
[enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.
[enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!
This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!
Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!
She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!
The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!
Of course! We have them put to sleep!
No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?
Okay.
Oh William, you're going to go to heaven for this!
I’d rather die than go to heaven.
[Thunderbolt's first action in the chair is to drive it backwards through a plate glass window in an attempt to kill himself]
SSeth
All I'm sayin' is that I did most of the numbers right? [tense music starts] So I did most of the work right? So all I need, is percentage. What I need to get started, get the labeling, you know. Phones. Chicks to answer the phones, desks, all that stuff. [tense music gets louder] Just need a couple bucks. You just sign a check, [holds up a check] see? I already wrote a check. Right there, you just sign. Alright. I know what your PIN number is. That's not a threat. So just - I'm the real deal, okay. I'm no one of those frickin' assholes you meet sometimes. [Pickles putts the golf ball]
[tense music stops] Why don't we talk about this cool stuff when I come over and visit next weekend?
SSeth
I'll remember that. You just tell me, where and when. Send me a plane ticket, send me an e ticket.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.