Agent J quotes from Men in Black: The Series

J

Blind, and you still saved the world.

Couldn’t have done it without my partner.

J

True. So, maybe I earned a little quality time with the LTD?

My thoughts exactly. Why don’t you start with a wash and wax?

J

What?! [J turns to the camera with a a disappointed look on his face]

Things are getting better around here already. [another worm whispers into his ear.] Oh. Sorry, J. You must feel bad about losing your partner, huh.

J

Hey, you get lemons, you make lemonade.

[in unison] EEEWWWW!!!

J

Since when is [Agent L] a field agent!?

Since 7:00 this morning.

J

But I thought...

N-nn. Still too green to be paired with a recruit.

J

Green!? Kermit the Frog is green! I'm...

Easy, partner. That's the chief you're mouthing off to.

Zed

East Village. Our Crypt Van Winkle just up-ended a cab.

J

Sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the sarcophagus this morning. Ha ha ha. (Zed, K, L, and Frank give him weird looks. Then Zed takes a sip of his coffee) You guys gotta lighten up.

J

So, how is it that you're an expert on Egyptian history?

I happen to be a cultured, well-read alien about town.

J

Who roots through garbage cans.

Y'know, the ancient Egyptians were way ahead of their time. Engineering, astronomy, architecture, and the worship of dogs.

J

Thought the dudes answered to cats.

Cats got all the press but dogs ran the show.

Read us a story.

J

And keep it down to a low growl.

Hieroglyphics from the old kingdom. 3500 BC. "To release the demon within is to doom the world".

Any mention of Socclarian?

That's the ancient name of the magical scepter that the mummy will use to bring death, destruction, and pestilence. If you believe in that kind of mumbo jumbo.

You will learn respect for our king!!

J

The only "king" with my respect is Martin Luther.

Ah, Agent J. I fashioned an array of school supplies that should prove quite handy on your new assignment. For example... [picks up a backpack]

J

What is that?

Why, it's a backpack.

J

I know that, but what freaky thing does it do?

Do? Agent J. You put books in it.

J

Uh-huh. [takes the backpack] Uh-huh. What about this here? [picks up a nearby calculator] Looks like a... calculator.

Yes! It performs calculations!

J

Yo, doc! I thought you were gonna hook me up with some super fly gear. I could by this stuff at the drugstore.

Can you, really? Hm.. I must pay a visit.

J

Okay, Alpha. You've got me in check, now throw me a pawn. How come the Ixions didn't invade thirty years ago?

Alpha

Timing, dear boy. Your boss Zed nearly stumbled onto our little gambit. I convinced the Ixions to try again later.

But they got a little tired of waiting, didn't they, Alpha?

J

Atoms releasing energy, huh? So I'm kinda like a walking, talking, nuclear reactor!

Precisely! Like Three-Mile Island!

J

That... blew up...

Blew up. Melted down. I say "to-mah-to", you say "to-may-to".