Agent J quotes from Men in Black: The Series

J

Tell me about your family.

Zed, the twins, the worms, same family as you.

J

Come on! You have parents! You were born, weren't you? Tell me about your dad. What's he like?

Dead.

J

Always up for "chicken", huh!?

You made me bail out at the last second!

They've got babes, swimming pools, movie stars, you like movies, don't ya? Oh, and do you think we can get our handprints in concrete right in front of that theater. Huh? What do ya say? And it's near that amusement park where you can buy a hat with rodent ears! I want one of those. So, what do you say? Huh?

J

Um, Hollywood's the opposite way.

Haven't you read the MIB manual?

J

Waiting for the movie, Upton.

Wah... Codenames are classified! How did you know...

J

Your letter is "U". But you don't look like an "Ursula".

J

Consider it a favor.

Favor returned. With interest.

You’re certain a Fmeck stole your exosuit?

Positive.

J

Fmeck?

From the planet Fmoo. About yay high, sworn enemy of the Arquillians.

J

Same size as you. Why don’t you just whack them upside the head?

We Arquillians are a peace-loving species.

Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Raffi.

J

Wait, hold up… John Lennon was an Arquillian? What’s Ringo?

The drummer.

Oversaturation. Explosion imminent.

J

What do we do about that, K?

Jump.

J

There's more to the plan, right?

Anti-gravity shoes!

J

Funny, I don't remember being issued a pair of those!

Zed must like me better than you!

J

These thirty-seven-hour Centaurian days are frying my brain, L.

You're not the only one working long hours.

J

How do you do it, then?

I... have my methods. The festive duck stomp is one way to put your carp together and matriculate.

J

I must be loosing consciousness. Could have sworn you just said--

The garden gnome prances when my long johns are filled with cheese... (melts)

If you're so rested, shouldn't you be heading back?

J

With two more clones in the closet? All work and no play makes J grow up to be just like K.

J

You sure you wanna do that? I mean, I'm kinda like a father to you, brother. [The Alpha J clone prepares to stab the real J but gets interrupted.]

You heard the man. That's no way to treat family.

Word.

We got his back, brother.

Drekk? Uh... Never heard of him. You're barking up the wrong tree.

J

Funny. Thought you guys were tight.

Cell mates? Zartakla prison?

Look. All I know is what everybody knows. Guy's a certified psycho. The whole time we shared a cell together, all he could talk about was getting even with everyone who ever crossed him since the first grade.

And the judge who put me away. Know what I'm gonna do when I get my hands on him?

(reading a magazine) Surprise me.

I'm gonna boil him alive. Real slow. And the guy who cut in front of me in the mess hall. Know what I'm gonna do to him?

Give him a wedgie?

No. I'm gonna boil him alive. Real slow. (Grabs Frank by the throat, knocking the magazine out of his paws) Just like I would boil you, Frank! If you EVER CROSS ME!!

Uh... I don't know nothin' about Drekk.

Nothing?

Well, maybe one thing. He picks.

Locks?

J

Pockets?

His feet. It's disgusting! All day, all night. Talk about revenge, pick his feet. Pick his feet, talk about revenge. Drove me nuts!

J

You're so chic? You scratch yourself in public!

Hello!? I'm in a dog suit! It's part of the act! I'm a real sophisticate under this mangy skin, you know.

So, what we after?

What we after?

J

A Bug.

J

A big, bad one.

Bugs eat Worms!

When they're not eating sugar!

Maybe we'll just...

... head down to the cafés for a cup of Joe.

Not in your birthday suits, you won't.

I'm Agent K. MIB's finest.

Agent J. I'm with him.

J

That so? How am I supposed to tell you two apart?

J

(Grunts)

What did Zed say? Is he sending backup?

What are we gonna do?

Jack's gonna suck out J's bones!

J

Nobody's suckin' out my bones!

Not you J, worm J!

He's always getting into scrapes!

He's the rookie.

Now, we're dealing with the supernatural.

Very scary!

Which means we can't rely on our usual methods.

(in unison) The spell!

J

Why didn't I think of that?

The old crone told us about a spell...

That will send Mr. O'Lantern...

Back to the pumpkin patch!

Wishing he'd never been hatched! We'll need a big brown onion...

You sure it wasn't a red onion?

And the fat of a hog!

That would be lard?

J

Is this a spell or a recipe?

And a bell!

You sure it wasn't a bellpepper?