If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.
S9 E15Kelly Takes A Shot
Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
It's not all mud; some of it is colon.
S9 E16Get The Dodge Outta Hell
Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.
Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
S9 E1725 Years And What Do Ya Get
It took forever for them to leave.
Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.
Dad, we got a problem.
We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.
S9 E18Ship Happens (1)
What are you guys laughing at?
Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
And you guys.
Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.
S9 E19Ship Happens (2)
Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
S9 E21And B-I-N-G-O Was Her Name-O
The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.
Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.
Well, at least we're in a church.
JJanitor
Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.
I thought this was a sanctuary.
JJanitor
Yeah, 'til 11:00. After that, it's just another crime scene.
S9 E22User Friendly
You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.
There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr Bundy.
Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight skirt]
But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on auto.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.