Daddy, you notice there weren't any garbage cans outside?
Well, a lot of places these days are into recycling, honey.
S5 E18Weenie Tot Lovers & Other Strangers
Jefferson, just remember that you are a white-collar criminal. (referring to Al): This man, at best, is a ring-around-the-collar criminal. (to Jefferson): Now honey, you don't want to be in league with someone whose greatest accomplishment has been putting shoes on his knees and sneaking into the movies as a child.
Well, at least it's over.
Ah, no, Peg, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over! (to the police): What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys?
Same thing every night: Weenie Tots.
Al (holding out his wrists so he can be cuffed): Book me.
S5 E19Kids! Whaddya Gonna Do?
I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.
Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.
When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.
I didn't steal your bra.
S5 E20Top Of The Heap
I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
VVinnie
Mona, why don't you come back a little later.
MMona
Really? When?
VVinnie
When you're no longer a felony.
S5 E21You Better Shop Around: Part 1
I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.
Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products. Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigerator, our R-C-Hey TV...
Or my "beauty-fool" wife.
S5 E22You Better Shop Around: Part 2
Drop dead!
Lick feet!
Eat dirt!
Grow hair!
Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
JMJerry Mathers
Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
[Bud and Kelly slink away.]
JMJerry Mathers
Golly, that felt good.
S5 E23Route 666: Part 1
[Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al's money.]
I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.
Appropriate for you, Bud.
And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.
Appropriate for you, Kel.
Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.
Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.
BHBlack Hick
Dodge is a damn fine car. Ran over muh wife with a Dodge.
S5 E25Buck The Stud
[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]
Oh, Al, take me again.
I didn't even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.